Driver in China Regrets Manual Transmission Purchase

Beijing, China

It was a beautiful sunny day in Beijing, when 28-year-old resident, Zhing Zhang Clemmons left the Hyundai dealership in his brand new Hyundai Sonata.

He fastened his safety belt, took a deep breath, and gripped the wheel with both hands. Ready for a triumphant ride through the streets of China, he pulled out of the parking lot.

The car so quiet; all that could be heard was Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA pumping through the car stereo, but then the party abruptly stopped.

After only 5 seconds on the highway, Clemmons' car was forced to stop due to a massive traffic jam. "Move it, you stupid sonuvabitch!" clammered Clemmons. His screams of rage remained futile. The traffic jam has been going on since August 14th encompassing 60 miles of the Beijing-Zhangjiakou Highway.

Some drivers have been bumper-to-bumper for 9 days. However, after only 3 hours, Clemmons was spotted crying in his car by some school children. "Why did I have to buy a stick shift?" whimpered Clemmons. "Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to have to constantly push the clutch pedal? My foot hurts!"

One driver, unsympathetic to Clemmons' plight, taunted the 28-year-old with fresh bran muffins. "Let's see the little bastard squirm after those root around in his system for a day," laughed the 73-year-old.

Zhang Minghai, director of Zhangjiakou city's Traffic Management speculates that the traffic jam is expected to ease up within the next 3 days. Meanwhile, Clemmons has vowed to turn his car around, go back to the dealership 18 feet behind him, and trade his Sonata for one with an automatic transmission.

Salesperson Huang Chen said, "It's too bad that he's not happy. We have policy here. If you not happy, bring car back within 24 hours, and we make you happy. But I no think he's gonna make it. Confucius say 'He's fucked.'"

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Sinkhole Gets Hungry; Tries to Swallow Restaurant

Cleveland, GA

The Southeast Region is no stranger to Sinkholes. They have gobbled up cars, traffic signs, homes; whatever they need to survive. Usually, they are no major threat to humans and civilization, until now.

Yesterday, while waiting patiently to place his order at a Sonic Restaurant, Steven the Sinkhole was disregarded by Sonic employee, Debbie Burnett. "We don't serve your kind," Burnett said snidely, walking away. And that's when Steven's rage and hunger took over.

"I know I may have overreacted a bit, but you don't know what it's like to live right under a Sonic. I've been trying to stick to my diet of dirt and rainwater, but I see all these people enjoying their Foot Long Coneys, Sonic Burgers, and those Sonic Blasts Ice Cream Treats. I just couldn't help myself. I was really hungry, dammit!"

That's when the sinkhole went berserk and tried to eat the entire Sonic franchise. The owner, Al Miller commented by saying, "Maybe we shouldn't rush to judgment about this sinkhole. He does have a point. We do rent the land, but who pays him? I just want everyone to know that we here at Sonic, do not condone the actions of Ms. Burnett."

Burnett was placed on administrative leave from the restaurant, pending an investigation. "This is ridiculous! I don't why my boss has to take the sinkhole's side. He [the sinkhole] is always looking up my skirt whenever I'm working. And he never carries any money with him. He just uses whatever change he finds on the ground," said Burnett.

Meanwhile, the sinkhole has been taken into custody by the White County Police Department. He has been charged with 1 count of reckless endangerment and 1 count of trying to eat a restaurant. His trial is set for September 6th.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™  

Bed Bug: "We're Not That Snug"

New York City

New York City's Bed Bug problem escalated this weekend when thousands of bed bugs were found loitering inside the Empire State Building.

Due to the excessive amount of bed bugs, both the SWAT Team and the National Guard were brought in to neutralize the situation.

For a few brief hours, the streets of Manhattan were in complete chaos; reminiscent of September 11th. People were running through the streets. "Somebody call Orkin!" screamed a citizen, fleeing in sheer terror.

After 3 hours and 39 minutes, and 5 blasts of tear gas, the siege ended. The bed bugs were rousted out of the historic landmark and into the paddy wagons that awaited below.

New York State Pest Control Specialist, Martin Willoughby was one of the first to arrive at the scene. "Bed bugs have been a huge problem in New York City for decades," said Willoughby. "I actually got into pest control because of my fascination with them. They are like no other creature. They can live without feeding for an entire year. But what astounds me is their ability to stay in hotel rooms, long after their check-out day.

It was later learned that this particular group of bed bugs migrated from a mattress in Louisiana. They were visiting New York City on a religious retreat with their church.

"New York can be very pricey," said one of the Bed Bugs. "We had no choice. What do they [Hotel Managers] expect us to do? We've been kicked out of the Four Seasons and The Plaza. We snapped after we were forced to leave the Waldorf-Astoria for no good reason. They even refused to validate our parking."

That's when the bed bugs decided to take up residence in the Empire State Building. It appears that most hotels in New York City don't allow bed bugs.

Rev. Al Sharpton said, "I think there is a prejudicial question here that is not being answered. These bed bugs just came here for a nice sight-seeing tour for a few days and this is how they get treated! They shouldn't call this place the Big Apple. They should call it the Big Crapple!"

Another Bed Bug commented, "We didn't do anything wrong. We are good guests. We pay our bills, we don't raid the mini bar, and we're quiet and conscientious. So, we feed on humans. Big deal! Let me tell you, it's not such a treat. God created the bed bug, but he didn't create Bug Chow, neither did Purina. So unless any of you bastards have a better idea, mind your own goddamn business!"

As the last of the bed bugs were taken into custody, the crowd cheered as one of the bed bugs broke free from his handcuffs and sang "New York State of Mind" A Capella.

"Maybe those Bed Bugs aren't so bad," said Sgt. Rodney Gitz, a New York City Police Officer.

Once news of the Bed Bug fiasco spread, Rev. Al Sharpton arrived at the police station to bail out the bed bugs. They were sent to a Double Tree in Newark.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Dr. Laura and Mel Gibson Teaming Up to Host New Show

Hollywood, California

For the past couple of days, the radio waves have been burning up over the latest racist rant to come from a celebrity.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, radio personality for over 30 years, used the N word during a phone call with a listener. Amid her hate speech, she has resigned from her popular radio show.

Over the past couple of months, we've heard Mel Gibson's hateful words flying out of his mouth; his tongue lashing like a hungry bull frog out for a snack.

Show business experts speculate that no matter what the outcome, neither her nor Gibson, will be able to find lucrative work anytime soon.

"The economy is tough enough for everybody, but she just plunked down $500,000 a week ago on a Taco Bell franchise in Tijuana. I told her not to," said James Freenbeen, Dr. Laura's business manager of 6 years. "With everything that is going on in Mexico, it is the worst time to be investing down there. With no immediate cash-flow coming in, she's going to have to do something...clean houses, secretarial work. You just can't say n*gger. It's kind of a deal breaker with show business people."

Mel Gibson is in a similar situation. Gibson is in the midst of a custody battle with his former girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. Not to mention, his settlement with his ex-wife, Robyn.

Times are tough for racists, but in a country that loves controversy, and awards it with opportunity, Dr. Laura and Gibson, have found a way back. Whether it be housewives in New Jersey or a family with 20 kids, today's viewers revel in reality.

Bravo has announced its intentions to begin shooting a new reality show in October that will incorporate Gibson's directorial ability and Dr. Laura's love of blacks in a new talent show, America's Got Schvatzas!"

Jacob Greenpenis, the show's executive producer said, "This is great! We are so excited about the show. You can sense the conflict in the air. Do you like the name, "Schvatza?" I learned that from my 91-year-old Yiddish grandmother. I think it means dark person. She's a little meschugge.

Greenpenis hinted at having an episode in which Gibson and Dr. Laura will be provided with lots of alcohol."We just really want to get them sh*tfaced and watch them throw racist rants at the camera for an hour," said Greenpenis.

So if you are not doing anything on Wednesday nights at 10 p.m., starting in June, be sure to check out "America's Got Schvatzas" on Bravo.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Godzilla Wins Poker Tournament with Monster Hand

Las Vegas, Nevada

Ever since 2003, when an unknown man named Chris Moneymaker sat down at a table at Binion's Horseshoe, against all odds, to become the World Series of Poker Main Event Champion, the game has changed forever.

There were 839 players that year, but due to the stunning upset by Moneymaker, that number grew to a staggering 8,773 participants in 2008.

Poker has taken on a new life. Everybody is playing. It doesn't matter if you are a doctor, lawyer, truck driver, or a famous Japanese actor from the '50's. For the past 3 days, poker players from all over the world, have been sitting inside the Rio Poker Room vying for their chance to become a poker champion.

Someone with raw determination has successfully wittled away the competition. Godzilla, who dominated the big screen in movies such as Godzilla Versus the Sea Monster and Godzilla Versus the Smog Monster, won the Rio's Tournament with a monster hand.

Godzilla made the final table last night, along with poker greats Daniel Negreaneu, Greg Raymer, Marcel Luske, Doyle Brunson, Phil Laak, and Phil Helmuth. But as the clock kept ticking, the chips slowly but surely started to pile up in front of Godzilla.

4 hours into the evening, he had obliterated Luske, Raymer, and Negreanu by flopping a set. Helmuth was taken out in a later round for yelling at Doyle, "Let's go you old coot! I've got a spin class at 8 a.m.!" Then in a rant, splashed his chips all over the table.

Laak laughed at Helmuth's display and was later disqualified for pretending to be Obi-Wan Kenobi under his trade-mark gray hood. "Goddamnit, I can't take it!" shouted Brunson. "What is with these players today?"

The final hand came at 2 a.m. Doyle was down to his last 2 million dollars in chips, Godzilla with 10 million. The flop came down K-5-5. Doyle's eyes glistened. He was holding A-K. Doyle slow played his King, thinking Godzilla didn't catch a piece of the flop, but hoping he would bet it anyway, in an attempt to bluff. No such luck. Godzilla checked right behind Doyle.

Then the turn, a 5. Doyle bet $250,000. Godzilla sat back in his seat, took a minute and then raised the bet to $1,000,000. Doyle quickly called. Then the river, an Ace blessed the felt for Doyle. But he remained a pillar of stone in his seat as he checked. Then Godzilla announced "All-in." Doyle called quicker than a Jack Rabbit chasing a warm pair of ear muffs in the dead of winter. Doyle flipped up his cards showing his 2 pair. Godzilla smiling, revealed his cards, a 3-5 off suit.

The crowd was stunned as announcer Mike Sexton yelled, "Holy Cow! He has a 5. He made 4 of a kind! I can't believe it! Godzilla is our tournament champion!" Godzilla jumped up in celebration, smashing poker tables to bits with his feet, breathing fire on the crowd, and unfortunately setting fire to his prize money as well. As Doyle walked away from the table in his singed signature cowboy hat, he remarked "He's a good player, but a dang fool! Look what he did to the prize money!"

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™  

NASA Study: Saggy Pants Problem Tied to Earth's Gravity

Washington, DC

It seems like just 345 years ago, Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree, sipping a Caramel Macchiato, and doing a Sudoku puzzle when an apple fell on his head compelling him to realize his Laws of Universal Gravitation.

In what seems to be such a simple principle, has managed to escape and baffle physicists for the past 2 decades. "Sagging," refers to a style in which a person wears their pants below their waist exposing much of their underwear.

It was originally believed to have derived from inmates in prison, who were not allowed to wear belts, in fear that they would hang themselves. It was then adopted by the hip-hop culture, then spread throughout urban, suburban, and rural areas, to all races.

In recent years, municipalities have been clamping down on Sagging, stating that the youth of this country have become so lazy and defiant, that they refuse to keep their pants up.

In June of 2007, the Town Council in Delcambre, Louisiana passed an indecent exposure ordinance against people who wore their pants saggy.

As time goes on,  pants have been sagging lower and lower, inching their way to the point where teenagers in Brooklyn, NY have been literally walking down the street with their pants around their ankles.

We spoke with State Senator Adams who had this to say, "Residents are furious, and they demand justice! We can't sit back another minute and lets these pants get any lower! Before you know it, it will be winter. We can't have our kids walking around in the snow without pants. We want answers, damnit!"

One Brooklyn teenager, a member of the notorious gang, the 6th Street Shannigans, Juan Carlos Greenberg, had this to say, "We ain't doin' nothin', man! What is this guy's trip? I am not my pants keeper. That's just how we roll, Dog."

One person has heard the cries, and  is now playing an active role in solving the epidemic. His name is Charles Wheatley, an Astrophysicist for NASA. Wheatley, who has been working on the problem for the past 3 years, believes he has found a scientific explanation.

At a press conference at NASA's headquarters this morning, Wheatley stated, "After hundreds of tests, I have found the cause for sagging pants. There appears to be a definite link between sagging pants and gravity. The problem is more universal than we thought. If we were on the moon, the pants wouldn't sag, but the minute that we enter the Earth's atmosphere, the pants head straight to the ground in a fashion that is consistent with Newton's Gravitational Law that gravity equals 9.81 m/s^2. It really isn't the youngster's faults. The only way to combat the force of gravity is an equal, opposite force. The only way to achieve that is either by people holding their pants up, or to take more desperate measures, a belt."

At this time, lawmakers will have to cool their heels until a reasonable solution can be dealt out. In the meantime, some religious and political leaders, not satisfied, are calling for the Government to take more proactive measures by building an anti-gravity machine.

President Obama acknowledged the request today stating, "I understand America's frustration with saggy pants, but if we solve that by doing away with gravity, we'll have to nail everything else down. And that would be a huge pain in the ass."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Priest Wins Fishing Tournament; Catches Holy Mackerel

Traverse City, Michigan

Traverse City has become a hot destination spot during the summer. It's fame reaches wider than the National Cherry Festival and its plentiful wineries.

It is also referred to as Michigan's Golf Coast, but the biggest attraction this Summer was on Lake Michigan Wednesday morning, as Father Earl Knickers caught a whopping 40 pound mackerel, breaking the old record set 3 years earlier by "Shitlips" McGee for a 38 pounder.

After a 2 hour battle with the fish, Father Knickers, on what seemed to be a fruitless attempt, looked up to the heavens, gave a wink, and with all his might, hoisted the fish from the deep blue waters onto his boat. "It was a dream come true," said the priest. "I have given so much in my life and have asked for so little. But this is something I needed for me," remarked Father Knickers.

Moments before the fight between the priest and the fish ended, other participants had seen the priest in a verbal altercation with the fish. One fisherman, Mark Elios described the scene, "He was doing battle with the fish, when all of a sudden he went on a tirade yelling 'Get the fuck in this boat! I've given up meat on Lent and having sex with women! I'm not giving this up! Come here, you gilled bastard!'"

After the news of the priest's ruckus on the water hit the dock, he was cheered by a few and booed by others. "There are children here!" yelled one of the mothers at the contest.

A short time later, the mackerel, hanging upside down on the dock, voiced his disapproval saying "It's bad enough that he tricked me with bait, which tasted terrible by the way, then yanked on me for God knows how long, but then he berated me in front of everybody. I am more upset about that, than being gutted open in a few minutes." The mackerel then called over the judges of the contest to file a grievance.

"I empathize with the fish, but I checked the rule book and there is nothing about disqualification for foul language," said Tim Reilly, a local judge at the competition for the past 8 years. After snapping a few pictures for the local newspaper and signing a few autographs, Father Knickers grabbed a bottle of champagne, fashioned it as a fish mallet and knocked the mackerel into next Tuesday. We'll have more on the mackerel's condition Wednesday.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Jean Paul Gaultier: "Codpieces are Coming Back"

Paris, France

As we have seen through the reintroduction of Bell Bottoms, Tweed, and Danskins- fashions are cyclical and anything is possible.

One fashion that has been long forgotten by the mainstream is making it's way back from the history books.

Jean Paul Gaultier, the famous designer who introduced man-skirts in the 80's and produced costumes for Madonna in the 90's, including her cone-shaped bra for the Blond Ambition Tour, is now setting his sights on a fashion for men, codpieces.

A codpiece is a pouch that attaches to the front of men's trousers to accentuate the genitals. It was widely used by European men during the 15th and 16th centuries.

Even in a time before basketball players and porn stars, European men driven by insecurity, wore codpieces to provide the effect of having larger genitals. But Gaultier is looking to change that in a big way. "Codpieces are so fun! The last time I saw a codpiece worn was by Freddy Mercury. Everybody should wear one. Let's flaunt the genitals like it's 1552!" shouted Gaultier. "I'm surprised that this trend never caught on with the Asian men," giggled Gaultier.

His announcement came right after Paris' Annual Fashion Week. "I am ready to take the fashion world by storm once again. I will not rest until codpieces are on everyone's mind. "We are going to get medieval this decade...a little bit naughty," said Gaultier.

He plans to begin production on the codpiece pants next month at his factory in Paris and have them in stores everywhere in the U.S. by Fall 2011. A call has been placed to Justin Bieber's agent for Bieber to become the cover boy for Gaultier's latest creation.


-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Local Ceiling Fan Caught Circulating Propaganda

Menomonie, Wisconsin

In a world where political parties clash on a day-to-day basis; we live in a country so shaken by the people's desire to have a voice, that some wish they could overtake their own leader.

The Tea Party movement has created quite a stir, but there is an issue swirling about, that has not been of major relevance in this country since the 1970's.

On the ceiling of Phil's Fan Store on the corner of County Road J and County Road R, there is a fan that has been hanging around, maybe a little too long.

Saturday afternoon, in the peaceful town of Menomonie, the Guzman family was browsing through Phil's, a family owned store since 1957. They were interested in purchasing a nice quiet fan that would give them no trouble, but trouble is exactly what they got.

"My wife and I were looking for a fan for the bedroom. Something that wouldn't make a lot of noise, so we can sleep. Then this red fan, out of nowhere started throwing flyers down on us. He tried to get us to read them. When we ignored him and walked away, he kept trying to follow us around the store. Luckily, he was anchored to the ceiling," explained Edwardo Guzman.

The owner, Phillip Folger witnessed the unwarranted solicitation and rushed over. "I grabbed the flyers from the ground. They read 'Support Communism' and then went into detail about the benefits of joining. I immediately shut the fan off. I will not have my customers harassed," stated Folger. "There's a 'No Solicitation' sign right on the door!" Just as he pulled the chain on the fan and walked away, the fan, gliding to a stop, cried out the words "Capitalist Pig!" The fan seemed disoriented about what year it was.

Folger later shared with us the invoice for the fan that dates back to 1962. The manufacturer, based out of Havana, Rocas Comunismo, which translates into Communism Rocks, has long since went out of business shortly after the U.S. imposed its trade embargo.

"I didn't realize that this fan had been up there all these years. I guess nobody liked the color. It was just a quiet fan that never caused any commotion until now," Folger said. An employee of the store was later seen carting off the opinionated fan to the dumpster.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Local Mime Behind Real Bars

Bagenville, Georgia

For years, Bagenville's premiere mime, George "Get me out of this Box" Druthers has been badgering audiences with his act.

You could always expect him to follow you through the Town Hall district doing the rope, the lean, eating imaginary hamburgers, and of course, his finale, trapped in a box.

Whether you wanted him there or not, he has been as much a fixture to Bagenville as the Brass Tulips that adorn the courthouse lawn.

But a terrible shouting match between Druthers and his longtime lover, Marcel Moskowitz has landed the famous mime in jail.
When Druthers arrived at his apartment late Saturday evening, smelling of musk oil, he was confronted by Moskowitz. Moskowitz, who has always been a staunch supporter of Druthers, was infuriated by a recent addition to the act.

For the past couple of weeks, Druthers has been pretending to make-out with another person on a park bench. "He's very good. It really looks like he is kissing someone. You can sense the passion," claims one audience member. Moskowitz sensed it as well as he left the show early that evening. "I know that it is only an act, but he doesn't even pretend kiss me like that anymore!" exclaimed Moskowitz.

When police arrived at the scene at 12:30 a.m., Moskowitz was yelling and slamming doors throughout the apartment. Druthers threw several invisible pies, one of which hit an officer in the face. The melee was broken up within minutes as Druthers was placed inside a squad car.

Officer Todd Riggins said, "This is a domestic situation that needed to be diffused. No big deal. But why does the guy keep pretending to bang on the glass? The window's open." Druther's had to spend the night in jail after only miming a phone call to his attorney.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™

Teen Charged With First Degree Murder For Burning Insects

Woodbridge, Illinois

Summer days are supposed to be play time for kids, off from school, and carousing about. Some attend day camp, others in the neighborhood pool, or on the street playing Double Dutch. But for one area teen, there will be no Duck Duck Goose in his near future.

Ryan Folly, 14 was arraigned this morning in the Union County Courthouse. He was charged with 3 counts of first degree murder for the deaths of 2 ants and 1 Japanese beetle.

"He knew what he was doing. He came out to that sidewalk with a magnifying glass in the searing summer heat for one thing and one thing only...to kill," said District Attorney, Michael Rose on the steps of the courthouse. "Due to the maliciousness of the crime, Folly will be charged as an adult. I know they were only insects. But they were insects with families!"

The judged agreed with Rose's argument that a child of 8 or 9 years of age may not be able to make the distinction between right and wrong. But a 14 year old, who should have grown out of this phase, is willfully causing harm or death to others.

Folly's mom, Etta said," It is heart-breaking. It's a mother's worst nightmare to see her child in shackles and handcuffs before a judge. But maybe some good will come of this."

Not considered a flight risk, Folly was released on a $25,000 bond. His trial has been set for October 4th. In the meantime, Ryan's father has set strict rules for him to follow. He is to get up at 7 a.m. every morning. After breakfast, he is to pull weeds and do gardening chores until 3. Then in an effort to rehabilitate him, he is to build an art farm until dinner. And no X-Box. If Folly is found guilty, he could serve up to 99 years in a state penitentiary. But with good behavior, he could be out in 3 weeks.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™

Balloon Regrets Fleeing Little Girl's Hand

Mason, Ohio

It was a fun day at the Kings Island Amusement Park for little Marina Collins and her family. She had ridden the Tea Cups, taken a train ride on the K.I. & Miami Railroad, and a fun splash down ride in White Water Canyon.

Marina ate hot dogs and cotton candy. And her mommy bought her a pretty blue balloon that she tied around Marina's wrist. It was turning out to be a day that kids dream about.

After a long day at the park, the family walked to their car. Then Marina's joy turned to tragedy.  Marina, curious about what would happen if she untied the balloon, found out. Within seconds the balloon went sailing into the air. Marina screamed.

Her father, an ex-Navy Seal, jumped as high as he could, but it was too late. The balloon was at least 30 feet in the air at that time. "Someone call 911!" shouted another park-goer.

Police and an ambulance were on the scene within minutes. "There was nothing we can do at this time. That balloon has enough helium to stay aloft for 3 or 4 days. I feel bad for the little girl. It's a hard lesson to learn," said Sergeant Fuller of the Mason Police Department.

Marina was inconsolable at the time. She was brought to the ambulance where she was given Valium and a Juice Box.

We asked local balloon psychologist, Dr. Barbara Betters why these instances keep happening. "These balloons really have no kind of life. They get inflated with helium and chained down by a string. The truth is that these balloons will do whatever they can to escape. If they get a chance to make a break for it, they will. They are very narcissistic, very full of themselves, and think they will live forever. They don't realize the trauma they can cause some of these children."

The deflated balloon landed on a farm 2 days later in the neighboring city of Forest Park, 12 miles away. When the balloon was asked about the incident, it said, "I just had the irresistible urge to take flight. I didn't mean to upset the little girl. I just wanted the chance to live. But thinking about it now, I wish I could have spent some time getting to know her. Now I feel just empty inside."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Newly Divorced Gardener Spreading Seed All Over Town

Bloomington, Massachusetts

Bill Graben is out of the house and out on the prowl. Once a devoted family man, now one of New England's most sought after bachelors.

Owner of Graben's Greenery, Bill Graben has just announced his intentions to spread his seed all over town.

For the past 23 years, Bill's business has been situated in East Bloomington. With his marriage finally over, he is getting back to what he loves best, gardening. He is planning a major expansion of his business to be able to service all of Suffolk County.

"The wife would always nag at me. Nag nag nag. She would never shut the hell up and leave me alone. So, I packed a bag and moved into my greenhouse. There's better lighting in there."

Bill now gets to spend as much time as he wants on his business. "I thought I was going to wait until one of us died before I could enjoy myself. Thank God! One minute more with her and I was about to shove my green thumb up her ass."

A new warehouse and greenery is set to open this September in West Bloomington. "I couldn't be happier for him," said one of Bill's employees, Pam Huckey. "His wife was a real pain in the ass. She always wanted him to go shopping for yarn or antiquing on Sundays. Now he's much happier. And I'm happier too. When he told me he was going to spread his seed everywhere, I thought he was just gonna get laid."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Foot Doctor Cures Foot Odor by Chopping Them Off

Dr. Patel hard at work

Riyadh

Renowned Foot Surgeon, Town Butcher and best-selling author of "This Little Piggy Went to The Market," Agreesh Patel, stunned the medical community with his latest medical breakthrough on how to cure stinky feet.

In an exclusive interview with Dr. Patel, he tells of how he came to realize this procedure. "I was tired of all these people coming into office with the smelling feet. It's too much, man. Gimme a break. Then one day, I fight with wife and get angry. I chop feet off of patient. And it [chopping] miraculously cured him."

Patel, who has been chopping feet for his government for years is no stranger to the procedure. "These bastards steal apple. You cannot steal apple. You steal apple, then boom, no feet." The theft of goods from others has turned this doctor into an international phenomenon.

One of Dr. Patel's patients talks of another benefit; "Since he has cured my foot odor, that has been horrible for years, now I don't have to wear shoes. Save money on sneakers!"

As far as Patel is concerned, he says that he will not let the "Foot Fame" go to his head. He is planning a world tour in the near future, where he plans to expand his realm of medicine and tackle Penis Stench, a condition known amongst the commoners.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Justin Bieber Grows a New Hair On Balls

Hollywood, California

Ever since Justin Bieber's YouTube video, "Ne-Yo" hit the internet, his fame has grown. But Justin was reportedly saying that other things have grown as well.

"I got my first hair on my balls," Bieber shyly admitted on the red carpet last night, during an interview. Bieber who has not been able to keep his life private, is now dishing on his own privates.

When we asked Justin's mom, Pattie Lynn Mallette to comment on her son's recent development, she hugged her son, saying "It had to happen sooner or later. He's very excited about it. He's looking forward to the rest of them coming in so he can comb them over to match the top."

Once the news broke about Bieber's balls, he was seen being chased down Melrose by a gaggle of girls, screaming, "Get me the hell out of here!"

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Levi Was Thinking With His Johnston

Wasilla, Alaska

Their on again, off again relationship may be heading for "Shitsville" for good. 

After announcing their engagement on July 14th, Bristol Palin's wedding to Levi Johnston may be called off. Lanesia Garcia, the ex-girlfriend of Johnston, claims that he may be the father of her unborn baby. 

News of the pregnancy spread like wildfire throughout the tiny town of Wasilla.  Johnston admits to having a sexual tryst with Garcia during his brief separation from Palin last year, but claims he is not the father. 

"Fuck, man! Can't I just get laid without getting somebody pregnant?!" a frustrated Levi shouted, knocking over a garbage can outside Chepo's Fiesta Restaurant. "That's the last time I run a train on that girl," referring to Garcia. 

As Levi got into his car, he slyly admitted, "I couldn't help it though. Lanesia is a hot piece of ass." Regarding the future, Johnston says that he plans to start wearing rubbers if things with Bristol don't work out.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Vladimir's Putin' On The Ritz!

Moscow, Russia

Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister, has been regaling Anna "Chapman" Kushchenko and 9 other Russian spies since their arrival back to the Motherland.

A few nights ago, Putin, a former KGB agent, held a sing-along in the Red Square, toasting the spies.

"It was great. Vlad went up and sang 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree," said an excited spectator. After receiving thunderous applause, Putin went on to wow the crowd by crooning Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and Miley' Cyrus', "Can't Be Tamed."

The party went on well into the early morning hours as the crowd took to some Red Square Dancing. Putin was the life of the party, dancing with a lamp shade on his head. He was seen gulping down shots before leaving with one of the girls from Stolichnaya Vodka. "Na Zdorovie, Bitches!" shouted Putin as his limo pulled away. He was spotted shortly after at the Burger King drive-thru in Moscow ordering a Whopper with cheese.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Man Cries Himself to Sleep Every Night; Pillow Is Depressed

Huntley, Delaware

Don Lasker, a sheet metal worker by day, a crier by night. Lasker, 37 has been sad ever since his girlfriend, Farina Watkins decided to leave him.

"She was always yelling at me to stop playing X-Box all night and come to bed. I should have listened to her," solemnly said Lasker as he looked out the window of his trailer.

Since Watkins departure, his problem has spread throughout his home like lice. Lasker has been crying into his pillow, night after night.

"I didn't sign up for this," said Don's pillow. "He bought me at Wal-Mart last year for $4.99. It's bad enough that I have to live in this hovel. It constantly smells like cheddar cheese. There is all kinds things strewn about the place. But the worst thing is that he never spends any time with me. When we do get time together, all he does is come crying to me. Well, I am fucking sick of it!" shouted the pillow.

His mother has advised her son to go seek counseling. Ms. Watkins could not be reached for comment. Lasker was later seen on his couch hugging another pillow.

 -Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™

George Michael's House Overrun by Jitterbugs

South Kensington, London

He said "I want to Jitterbug" in 1984 and George Michael meant it. But he didn't expect it to happen 26 years later. The famed singer of Wham was awoken early Friday morning by the rustle of over 300 Jitterbugs.

"I thought I was dreaming. But I wasn't. There were hundreds of Jitterbugs dancing in my living room," said the stunned Michael. "I know I've been boozing it a bit. But I don't remember letting all these Jitterbugs into my house."

Superintendent Jane Johnson of the Kensington and Chelsea Metropolitan Police Department, who was on scene at the time of the incident said, "We regularly get calls about the noise at Mr. Michael's home. But nothing like this."

After the police broke the party up shortly after 3:30 am, order was restored and no charges were filed. Michael was quoted as saying "I want to your sex does not mean I want your insects." A spokesman for the Jitterbugs said, "We did nothing wrong. He told us to wake him up before we go-go. He didn't want to be hanging on like a yo-yo."

-Silly's Soft News

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Snipes Gets 3 Years; Owes H&R Block $865 for Back Tax Work

Los Angeles, California

The actor who once played bad boy, "Nino Brown" in New Jack City, Wesley Snipes has been cast in a real-life role of playing a white collar criminal. This project isn't being backed by 20th Century FOX Pictures or New Line Cinema. The big wigs here are the IRS.

The famous actor was been sentenced to 3 years in prison for failing to file tax returns for several years. The estimates that he owed the IRS $15 million dollars is nothing compared to the trouble looming over him now. I'm not speaking of cold showers, bad food, and the wonderful rape scenes that Snipes will be forced to act out.

It is reported now that Snipes owes $865.32 to H&R Block for back tax work. "Those motherfuckers are crazy," says a worried inmate at California's Pelican Bay Prison. "They can get to anyone, anywhere. H&R Block sent a hitman out to get my cousin, Julio. And he only owed them $150. I'll pray for Wesley. He's a good actor. But if he comes here, I'm gettin' the hell out the way!"

Mr. Snipes could not be reached for comment.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Strawberry Section of Ice Cream Feeling Neglected

Framingham, Massachusetts

You scream, they scream, we all scream for ice cream. But not for one flavor that is crying foul. Strawberry, the long-time companion of chocolate and vanilla is sick and tired of being ousthined.

"C'mon, let's be honest. Everybody takes a cursory taste of me when they open the container. But then they go for all the chocolate and vanilla until I am left at the very end, alone in the box. How do you think this makes me look?" remarked Strawberry.

It is apparent from Strawberry's lawyers, that he wants to end the partnership with the other 2 flavors.

When Breyer's CEO James W. Nolan was asked about the possibility of discontinuing their famous Neapolitan brand he said, "I would hate to lose what has become an iconic brand for our company. But I do respect Strawberry's wishes and hope to keep him within the Breyer's family."

-Silly's Soft News

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Lawnmower Thinking About Pursuing Degree In Horticulture

Edinburg, Tennessee

It was another hot and sunny day in Edinburg as Summer got underway. While most lawnmowers are just happy enough to have a job cutting grass in this tough economy, one lawnmower is propelling himself even further.

Ever since graduating high school in 2006 and getting a job with Gary's Grass Cutting , Larry "The Lawn boy" Blukowski has dreamed of being the first lawn mower in his family to go to college.

"My dad and my mom always wished that I would go. But that's not the reason. I just want to learn more about the grass I am cutting day in and day out. I want to delve deeper," says the ambitious lawn mower.

So if you are attending Middle Tennessee State University this Fall, don't wear flip flops. Because you may run into Larry "The Lawn Boy" rolling through the halls.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Famous Linebacker Couldn't Wait to Get Into Her Tight End

Ramapo, New York

In the latest development of what can be called too horny for his own good, Ex-NFL Superstar Lawrence Taylor's wife, Lynette is now chiming in that her husband did not have sex with the 16 year old girl...that was in his room...where a used rubber was found...that he had worn...when he didn't have sex with her.

"Lynette may have booked a one way ticket to Egypt. Because that bitch is in denial," shouted a spectator at the jail where Taylor was released.

When Taylor was asked what did go on in the his room that evening, he replied "We just sat around and talked, watched cartoons, drank Pepsi, and ordered a pizza. But there was no sex."

When asked about the $300 payment to the 16 year old, Taylor claims "She knocked on my door selling Girl Scout cookies, man! I did not have sex with her. She was selling those sugar cookies I love so much. I couldn't resist."

Taylor's wife, Lynette grabbed her husband's hand and said, "My husband's not guilty. And the truth shall set him free! Praise the Lord!"

Taylor's next court date in August 3rd. But he need not appear before the judge until August  24th. If convicted, he could face up to 5 years in prison without the possibility of sugar cookies.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Gynecologists Find Titanic in Barbara Walter's Vagina

Manhattan, New York

Gynecologists were baffled yesterday at the discovery of the famous 882 foot ship that was buried in Barbara Walter's vagina. During a routine examination at Cedars Sinai Hospital, the 81 year old who was described as "fit as a fiddle" was just as curious as her doctors as to how the ship got there.

"We are trying to draw conclusions. But we find it very difficult seeing that Ms. Walters was born in 1929 and this vessel sank in 1912," said Dr. Waymon Kibbles.

This is the second occurrence of a mysterious boat turning up this week (referring to the excavation on a 32 foot ship found at Ground Zero on July 15th). When asked if she had rammed her vagina into an iceberg many years ago, Ms. Walters had no comment.

At this time, officials are keeping tight-lipped. However, scientists are speculating that her vagina may be the Bermuda Triangle.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Lynwood Lesbians Want to Have Lunch with Lindsay

West Hollywood, California

All the rumors that have been flying about Lindsay Lohan being confronted by "Lesbian Gangs" are simply not true says one lesbian at Lynwood Correctional Facility in Los Angeles.

Martha Mufferson, an inmate and member of the infamous female gang, "The Menstrual Bloods" is actually looking forward to her time with Ms. Lohan.

"It will be great. She's like a big star. I've been in LA for almost 2 years without seeing a star. Now I get to spend 90 days with one. It is so cool! All of us lesbians in here love Lindsay. We would never want to hurt her. We're not mean girls. We just want to have a Freaky Friday with her."

-Silly's Soft News

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Gibson: "I Feel Really Silly Right About Now"

Los Angeles, California

In what has been one of the most controversial phone calls heard around the world, Mel Gibson's anger-fueled tirade caught on tape was all a big mistake.

"Boy, do I have egg on my face," sheepishly said the Lethal Weapon star whose latest escapades have made his mouth the most lethal weapon of all once again.

It seems that the actor who did not know that his phone call was being recorded thought he was on the phone with an operator at AT&T. "I thought I was disputing some overages on my minute plan. I got frustrated and called the lady a c*nt, a b*tch, a wh*re, and hoped that she gets raped by a bunch of n*ggers on her way home. I do apologize for my language. But I really thought I was being screwed on my last bill and I wanted to fight it," claims Gibson.

He said he did not know that Oksana was the woman on the other end of the phone. "I would never talk to Oksana like that. She is the mother of my child," asserts Gibson. "But I do think I will switch cell phone companies."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Jaleel White's Toilet Speaks Out: "Urkel's a Prick!"

Los Angeles, California

A tense moment in the home of Jaleel White, turned violent.

Now his toilet, who became the victim in White's moment of rage, is speaking out about the incident that caused White's girlfriend to fall on top of it.

Official Statement from the Toilet

Many of you don't know this, or refuse to believe it, but it's true. Jaleel White (of Urkel fame) did in fact punch his woman in the boobies. He hit her so hard that she fell onto the me and I broke in half.

But let me clear something up for you. He was not angry at her. He was angry at me. I know you have seen Mr. White on TV for years as the adorable little nerd, Steve Urkel. But don't be fooled. He is no nice guy at all.

For years as we have resided in our Southern California home, Jaleel has had immense frustration that he has taken out on me. Whenever he was angry, he would slam the seat down. Sometimes after a night of drinking, he wouldn't even put the seat up. He would just piss all over me. And now this motherfucker threw his girl at me because I wouldn't digest his doody fast enough.

I have told him for weeks to please seek out a plumber if he is not thrilled with my recent service. But does he listen?? No!

'Oh my doody doesn't taste good enough for you anymore, toilet?!' yelled Jaleel. 'I am sorry that I am not dining at the craft services table like the good 'ol days!' he continued to rant until the wee hours of the morning.

And by the way...Mr. Urkel never used the if it's brown, flush it down policy. So I don't know what the fucking fuss is about anyway.


-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Levi Johnston Already Bored

Wasilla, Alaska

New reports have emerged in the engagement of Levi Johnston to Bristol Palin. "I feel genuinely bored," says a disillusioned Levi. "I thought it would be fun and exciting being a young, married couple. But all Bristol does is bitch at me to do my laundry, put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and change the baby." When does it start to get fun wonders the 20 year old Johnston. "I can have a baby. But I can't have a beer, rails Johnston. I'll just have to deal with it until next May," Levi says stoically. Johnston referring to his 21st birthday where he plans to get shit-faced every night thereafter until their inevitable divorce.

-Silly's Soft News

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It's Hip to Be a Square Root

Stockholm, Sweden 

No one ever said that math was easy. Well...unless their name is Fritz. It was no surprise to the mathematical community when Professor Fritz Von Schitz was awarded the Noble Peace Prize in Stockholm Sweden Saturday evening for his excellence in teaching.

Professor Von Schitz or as his friends like to call him, "Schtizie" developed a unique method for his students to learn algebra.

It was 1986- a time for stone-washed jeans, Chernobyl, and Huey Lewis to release Fore. "I couldn't resist. I was swept up in the muse of what was Huey Lewis before I knew it," Von Schitz exclaimed.

During a third period high school algebra 1 class, a student was caught listening to a Sony Walkman. Before the student could snap his fingers to the beat, the professor confiscated the personal audio player. That's when the master of mathematics, the arbitrator of algebra got hooked on Huey.

"I took the player home and listened to the single Hip To Be Square over and over again. By the time I arrived to my classroom the following Monday, I could not conceive of teaching without Huey." That is when a light bulb went off in the young professor's mind. From that day forward, he combined music with math.

"I like the classics- Huey, Pat Benatar, Journey. But I have experimented with Metallica and Pantera and that Snoop Dogg character. But it gets the kids too crazy and all they want to do is fuck!"

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Playboy Legend Admits Beating Off to Rival Mag

Beverly Hills, California

In an amazing interview given yesterday at the famed Playboy Mansion, porn icon Hugh Hefner admitted to pleasuring himself to rival magazine, Penthouse on more than one occasion.

"Playboy will always be my first love. But I have cheated on her with a mistress or two over the years," slyly said Hef.

Playboy has maintained it's clean, wholesome, girl next door type image since it's start in 1953, but Hef appreciates all beauty. "Sometimes I really just want to get down and dirty. And that's the kind of girls that they have at Penthouse. Real naughty girls!" exclaims Hef.

We also learned during the interview that he likes playing games in the nude such as Chess, Stratego, and Marco Polo.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Area Bully Misses Giving Titty Twisters

Minetonk, Wisconsin

It's been 6 years since Randy Folsom has walked the halls of Minetonk High School putting fear into his fellow students.

"Yeah, I really miss coming up on some doofus and giving him an Indian Burn or a Titty Twister," remarks Folsom.

Folsom, now a telemarketer for a local window replacement company reflects back on the camaraderie from his cubicle.

"It's just not the same. Here if you try and give someone a wedgie, you get fired," Folsom complains.

He is now considering a career  in law enforcement.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Zsa Zsa Hospitalized; In Good Spirits- Has Time to Slap Doctor

Beverly Hills, California

In what started off as a cozy evening in bed between Zsa Zsa and her husband, Prince Phedric von Anhalt Saturday night turned into a trip to the hospital. Ms. Gabor was enjoying an episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants when she laughed so hard that she fell out of bed and broke her hip. The 93 year old was rushed to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center where she is now being treated for a broken hip and other assorted injuries. "Ms. Gabor is in satisfactory condition at this time. This morning she woke up smiling and had the strength to slap the doctor," said a member of the hospital staff.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™