Levi Was Thinking With His Johnston

Wasilla, Alaska

Their on again, off again relationship may be heading for "Shitsville" for good. 

After announcing their engagement on July 14th, Bristol Palin's wedding to Levi Johnston may be called off. Lanesia Garcia, the ex-girlfriend of Johnston, claims that he may be the father of her unborn baby. 

News of the pregnancy spread like wildfire throughout the tiny town of Wasilla.  Johnston admits to having a sexual tryst with Garcia during his brief separation from Palin last year, but claims he is not the father. 

"Fuck, man! Can't I just get laid without getting somebody pregnant?!" a frustrated Levi shouted, knocking over a garbage can outside Chepo's Fiesta Restaurant. "That's the last time I run a train on that girl," referring to Garcia. 

As Levi got into his car, he slyly admitted, "I couldn't help it though. Lanesia is a hot piece of ass." Regarding the future, Johnston says that he plans to start wearing rubbers if things with Bristol don't work out.

-Silly's Soft News

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Vladimir's Putin' On The Ritz!

Moscow, Russia

Vladimir Putin, Russia's Prime Minister, has been regaling Anna "Chapman" Kushchenko and 9 other Russian spies since their arrival back to the Motherland.

A few nights ago, Putin, a former KGB agent, held a sing-along in the Red Square, toasting the spies.

"It was great. Vlad went up and sang 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree," said an excited spectator. After receiving thunderous applause, Putin went on to wow the crowd by crooning Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" and Miley' Cyrus', "Can't Be Tamed."

The party went on well into the early morning hours as the crowd took to some Red Square Dancing. Putin was the life of the party, dancing with a lamp shade on his head. He was seen gulping down shots before leaving with one of the girls from Stolichnaya Vodka. "Na Zdorovie, Bitches!" shouted Putin as his limo pulled away. He was spotted shortly after at the Burger King drive-thru in Moscow ordering a Whopper with cheese.

-Silly's Soft News

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Man Cries Himself to Sleep Every Night; Pillow Is Depressed

Huntley, Delaware

Don Lasker, a sheet metal worker by day, a crier by night. Lasker, 37 has been sad ever since his girlfriend, Farina Watkins decided to leave him.

"She was always yelling at me to stop playing X-Box all night and come to bed. I should have listened to her," solemnly said Lasker as he looked out the window of his trailer.

Since Watkins departure, his problem has spread throughout his home like lice. Lasker has been crying into his pillow, night after night.

"I didn't sign up for this," said Don's pillow. "He bought me at Wal-Mart last year for $4.99. It's bad enough that I have to live in this hovel. It constantly smells like cheddar cheese. There is all kinds things strewn about the place. But the worst thing is that he never spends any time with me. When we do get time together, all he does is come crying to me. Well, I am fucking sick of it!" shouted the pillow.

His mother has advised her son to go seek counseling. Ms. Watkins could not be reached for comment. Lasker was later seen on his couch hugging another pillow.

 -Silly's Soft News

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George Michael's House Overrun by Jitterbugs

South Kensington, London

He said "I want to Jitterbug" in 1984 and George Michael meant it. But he didn't expect it to happen 26 years later. The famed singer of Wham was awoken early Friday morning by the rustle of over 300 Jitterbugs.

"I thought I was dreaming. But I wasn't. There were hundreds of Jitterbugs dancing in my living room," said the stunned Michael. "I know I've been boozing it a bit. But I don't remember letting all these Jitterbugs into my house."

Superintendent Jane Johnson of the Kensington and Chelsea Metropolitan Police Department, who was on scene at the time of the incident said, "We regularly get calls about the noise at Mr. Michael's home. But nothing like this."

After the police broke the party up shortly after 3:30 am, order was restored and no charges were filed. Michael was quoted as saying "I want to your sex does not mean I want your insects." A spokesman for the Jitterbugs said, "We did nothing wrong. He told us to wake him up before we go-go. He didn't want to be hanging on like a yo-yo."

-Silly's Soft News

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Snipes Gets 3 Years; Owes H&R Block $865 for Back Tax Work

Los Angeles, California

The actor who once played bad boy, "Nino Brown" in New Jack City, Wesley Snipes has been cast in a real-life role of playing a white collar criminal. This project isn't being backed by 20th Century FOX Pictures or New Line Cinema. The big wigs here are the IRS.

The famous actor was been sentenced to 3 years in prison for failing to file tax returns for several years. The estimates that he owed the IRS $15 million dollars is nothing compared to the trouble looming over him now. I'm not speaking of cold showers, bad food, and the wonderful rape scenes that Snipes will be forced to act out.

It is reported now that Snipes owes $865.32 to H&R Block for back tax work. "Those motherfuckers are crazy," says a worried inmate at California's Pelican Bay Prison. "They can get to anyone, anywhere. H&R Block sent a hitman out to get my cousin, Julio. And he only owed them $150. I'll pray for Wesley. He's a good actor. But if he comes here, I'm gettin' the hell out the way!"

Mr. Snipes could not be reached for comment.

-Silly's Soft News

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Strawberry Section of Ice Cream Feeling Neglected

Framingham, Massachusetts

You scream, they scream, we all scream for ice cream. But not for one flavor that is crying foul. Strawberry, the long-time companion of chocolate and vanilla is sick and tired of being ousthined.

"C'mon, let's be honest. Everybody takes a cursory taste of me when they open the container. But then they go for all the chocolate and vanilla until I am left at the very end, alone in the box. How do you think this makes me look?" remarked Strawberry.

It is apparent from Strawberry's lawyers, that he wants to end the partnership with the other 2 flavors.

When Breyer's CEO James W. Nolan was asked about the possibility of discontinuing their famous Neapolitan brand he said, "I would hate to lose what has become an iconic brand for our company. But I do respect Strawberry's wishes and hope to keep him within the Breyer's family."

-Silly's Soft News

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Lawnmower Thinking About Pursuing Degree In Horticulture

Edinburg, Tennessee

It was another hot and sunny day in Edinburg as Summer got underway. While most lawnmowers are just happy enough to have a job cutting grass in this tough economy, one lawnmower is propelling himself even further.

Ever since graduating high school in 2006 and getting a job with Gary's Grass Cutting , Larry "The Lawn boy" Blukowski has dreamed of being the first lawn mower in his family to go to college.

"My dad and my mom always wished that I would go. But that's not the reason. I just want to learn more about the grass I am cutting day in and day out. I want to delve deeper," says the ambitious lawn mower.

So if you are attending Middle Tennessee State University this Fall, don't wear flip flops. Because you may run into Larry "The Lawn Boy" rolling through the halls.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Famous Linebacker Couldn't Wait to Get Into Her Tight End

Ramapo, New York

In the latest development of what can be called too horny for his own good, Ex-NFL Superstar Lawrence Taylor's wife, Lynette is now chiming in that her husband did not have sex with the 16 year old girl...that was in his room...where a used rubber was found...that he had worn...when he didn't have sex with her.

"Lynette may have booked a one way ticket to Egypt. Because that bitch is in denial," shouted a spectator at the jail where Taylor was released.

When Taylor was asked what did go on in the his room that evening, he replied "We just sat around and talked, watched cartoons, drank Pepsi, and ordered a pizza. But there was no sex."

When asked about the $300 payment to the 16 year old, Taylor claims "She knocked on my door selling Girl Scout cookies, man! I did not have sex with her. She was selling those sugar cookies I love so much. I couldn't resist."

Taylor's wife, Lynette grabbed her husband's hand and said, "My husband's not guilty. And the truth shall set him free! Praise the Lord!"

Taylor's next court date in August 3rd. But he need not appear before the judge until August  24th. If convicted, he could face up to 5 years in prison without the possibility of sugar cookies.

-Silly's Soft News

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Gynecologists Find Titanic in Barbara Walter's Vagina

Manhattan, New York

Gynecologists were baffled yesterday at the discovery of the famous 882 foot ship that was buried in Barbara Walter's vagina. During a routine examination at Cedars Sinai Hospital, the 81 year old who was described as "fit as a fiddle" was just as curious as her doctors as to how the ship got there.

"We are trying to draw conclusions. But we find it very difficult seeing that Ms. Walters was born in 1929 and this vessel sank in 1912," said Dr. Waymon Kibbles.

This is the second occurrence of a mysterious boat turning up this week (referring to the excavation on a 32 foot ship found at Ground Zero on July 15th). When asked if she had rammed her vagina into an iceberg many years ago, Ms. Walters had no comment.

At this time, officials are keeping tight-lipped. However, scientists are speculating that her vagina may be the Bermuda Triangle.

-Silly's Soft News

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Lynwood Lesbians Want to Have Lunch with Lindsay

West Hollywood, California

All the rumors that have been flying about Lindsay Lohan being confronted by "Lesbian Gangs" are simply not true says one lesbian at Lynwood Correctional Facility in Los Angeles.

Martha Mufferson, an inmate and member of the infamous female gang, "The Menstrual Bloods" is actually looking forward to her time with Ms. Lohan.

"It will be great. She's like a big star. I've been in LA for almost 2 years without seeing a star. Now I get to spend 90 days with one. It is so cool! All of us lesbians in here love Lindsay. We would never want to hurt her. We're not mean girls. We just want to have a Freaky Friday with her."

-Silly's Soft News

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Gibson: "I Feel Really Silly Right About Now"

Los Angeles, California

In what has been one of the most controversial phone calls heard around the world, Mel Gibson's anger-fueled tirade caught on tape was all a big mistake.

"Boy, do I have egg on my face," sheepishly said the Lethal Weapon star whose latest escapades have made his mouth the most lethal weapon of all once again.

It seems that the actor who did not know that his phone call was being recorded thought he was on the phone with an operator at AT&T. "I thought I was disputing some overages on my minute plan. I got frustrated and called the lady a c*nt, a b*tch, a wh*re, and hoped that she gets raped by a bunch of n*ggers on her way home. I do apologize for my language. But I really thought I was being screwed on my last bill and I wanted to fight it," claims Gibson.

He said he did not know that Oksana was the woman on the other end of the phone. "I would never talk to Oksana like that. She is the mother of my child," asserts Gibson. "But I do think I will switch cell phone companies."

-Silly's Soft News

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Jaleel White's Toilet Speaks Out: "Urkel's a Prick!"

Los Angeles, California

A tense moment in the home of Jaleel White, turned violent.

Now his toilet, who became the victim in White's moment of rage, is speaking out about the incident that caused White's girlfriend to fall on top of it.

Official Statement from the Toilet

Many of you don't know this, or refuse to believe it, but it's true. Jaleel White (of Urkel fame) did in fact punch his woman in the boobies. He hit her so hard that she fell onto the me and I broke in half.

But let me clear something up for you. He was not angry at her. He was angry at me. I know you have seen Mr. White on TV for years as the adorable little nerd, Steve Urkel. But don't be fooled. He is no nice guy at all.

For years as we have resided in our Southern California home, Jaleel has had immense frustration that he has taken out on me. Whenever he was angry, he would slam the seat down. Sometimes after a night of drinking, he wouldn't even put the seat up. He would just piss all over me. And now this motherfucker threw his girl at me because I wouldn't digest his doody fast enough.

I have told him for weeks to please seek out a plumber if he is not thrilled with my recent service. But does he listen?? No!

'Oh my doody doesn't taste good enough for you anymore, toilet?!' yelled Jaleel. 'I am sorry that I am not dining at the craft services table like the good 'ol days!' he continued to rant until the wee hours of the morning.

And by the way...Mr. Urkel never used the if it's brown, flush it down policy. So I don't know what the fucking fuss is about anyway.


-Silly's Soft News

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Levi Johnston Already Bored

Wasilla, Alaska

New reports have emerged in the engagement of Levi Johnston to Bristol Palin. "I feel genuinely bored," says a disillusioned Levi. "I thought it would be fun and exciting being a young, married couple. But all Bristol does is bitch at me to do my laundry, put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and change the baby." When does it start to get fun wonders the 20 year old Johnston. "I can have a baby. But I can't have a beer, rails Johnston. I'll just have to deal with it until next May," Levi says stoically. Johnston referring to his 21st birthday where he plans to get shit-faced every night thereafter until their inevitable divorce.

-Silly's Soft News

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It's Hip to Be a Square Root

Stockholm, Sweden 

No one ever said that math was easy. Well...unless their name is Fritz. It was no surprise to the mathematical community when Professor Fritz Von Schitz was awarded the Noble Peace Prize in Stockholm Sweden Saturday evening for his excellence in teaching.

Professor Von Schitz or as his friends like to call him, "Schtizie" developed a unique method for his students to learn algebra.

It was 1986- a time for stone-washed jeans, Chernobyl, and Huey Lewis to release Fore. "I couldn't resist. I was swept up in the muse of what was Huey Lewis before I knew it," Von Schitz exclaimed.

During a third period high school algebra 1 class, a student was caught listening to a Sony Walkman. Before the student could snap his fingers to the beat, the professor confiscated the personal audio player. That's when the master of mathematics, the arbitrator of algebra got hooked on Huey.

"I took the player home and listened to the single Hip To Be Square over and over again. By the time I arrived to my classroom the following Monday, I could not conceive of teaching without Huey." That is when a light bulb went off in the young professor's mind. From that day forward, he combined music with math.

"I like the classics- Huey, Pat Benatar, Journey. But I have experimented with Metallica and Pantera and that Snoop Dogg character. But it gets the kids too crazy and all they want to do is fuck!"

-Silly's Soft News

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Playboy Legend Admits Beating Off to Rival Mag

Beverly Hills, California

In an amazing interview given yesterday at the famed Playboy Mansion, porn icon Hugh Hefner admitted to pleasuring himself to rival magazine, Penthouse on more than one occasion.

"Playboy will always be my first love. But I have cheated on her with a mistress or two over the years," slyly said Hef.

Playboy has maintained it's clean, wholesome, girl next door type image since it's start in 1953, but Hef appreciates all beauty. "Sometimes I really just want to get down and dirty. And that's the kind of girls that they have at Penthouse. Real naughty girls!" exclaims Hef.

We also learned during the interview that he likes playing games in the nude such as Chess, Stratego, and Marco Polo.

-Silly's Soft News

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Area Bully Misses Giving Titty Twisters

Minetonk, Wisconsin

It's been 6 years since Randy Folsom has walked the halls of Minetonk High School putting fear into his fellow students.

"Yeah, I really miss coming up on some doofus and giving him an Indian Burn or a Titty Twister," remarks Folsom.

Folsom, now a telemarketer for a local window replacement company reflects back on the camaraderie from his cubicle.

"It's just not the same. Here if you try and give someone a wedgie, you get fired," Folsom complains.

He is now considering a career  in law enforcement.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Zsa Zsa Hospitalized; In Good Spirits- Has Time to Slap Doctor

Beverly Hills, California

In what started off as a cozy evening in bed between Zsa Zsa and her husband, Prince Phedric von Anhalt Saturday night turned into a trip to the hospital. Ms. Gabor was enjoying an episode of Sponge Bob Square Pants when she laughed so hard that she fell out of bed and broke her hip. The 93 year old was rushed to Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center where she is now being treated for a broken hip and other assorted injuries. "Ms. Gabor is in satisfactory condition at this time. This morning she woke up smiling and had the strength to slap the doctor," said a member of the hospital staff.

-Silly's Soft News

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