Apple's Siri Voice Revealed... Men Lose Their Phoner Boners

Susan Bennett, the Voice behind Siri

Cupertino, CA

Since Apple's roll-out of the iPhone 4s in 2011, the smartphone world has been set ablaze. Users have enjoyed it's ability to deliver thousands of apps, internet, music, and a variety of other features at their fingertips. The most distinctive signature of the iPhone is it's virtual assistant, Siri. She can give you directions, set your alarm, search the internet, and even tell you a joke.

Fast forward 2 years; the Apple iPhone 5s is faster, sleeker, and sexier... or is it?

Yesterday, the voice behind Siri was revealed; much to the chagrin of it's heterosexual male audience. Siri is Susan Bennett, a voice-over professional since the '70s. She has become the most recognizable voice known to man. Now many men are wishing they would lose their hearing.

In an independent study conducted by Silly's Soft News™, 82.3% of men found Siri's voice to be arousing. 74% have admitted to flirting with or sexually harassing Siri; either out of boredom, loneliness or their inability to get laid. Salacious remarks such as "Siri, I want to f--- you up the -ss" or "Show me your t-ts" were among the most common rhetoric flung at the smartphone vixen. A small majority of the male users polled admitted to go as far as to rub their genitals across her smooth, glossy screen.

"I thought I was talking to a hot, young chick," said a disillusioned Randy Penerson, a 23 year-old medical student. "All those hours I wasted sweet-talking my phone, only to find out it was some old broad. I'm not into cougars. This is very disappointing to say the least. It's like talking to my grandma!"

Apple's Senior Vice President of Marketing, Philip W. Schiller cited the reason for finally revealing the voice of Siri. "Sexual harassment is something that Apple takes very seriously, not only for the user, but at the workplace as well. It has recently come to my attention that a portion of the male employees at Apple have been secretly dating their phones since 2011. Apple has a strict policy that forbids inter-office relationships. Our hope is that showing users who Siri really is, will discourage any further inappropriate conduct."



-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

George Michael's House Overrun by Jitterbugs

South Kensington, London

He said "I want to Jitterbug" in 1984 and George Michael meant it. But he didn't expect it to happen 26 years later. The famed singer of Wham was awoken early Friday morning by the rustle of over 300 Jitterbugs.

"I thought I was dreaming. But I wasn't. There were hundreds of Jitterbugs dancing in my living room," said the stunned Michael. "I know I've been boozing it a bit. But I don't remember letting all these Jitterbugs into my house."

Superintendent Jane Johnson of the Kensington and Chelsea Metropolitan Police Department, who was on scene at the time of the incident said, "We regularly get calls about the noise at Mr. Michael's home. But nothing like this."

After the police broke the party up shortly after 3:30 am, order was restored and no charges were filed. Michael was quoted as saying "I want to your sex does not mean I want your insects." A spokesman for the Jitterbugs said, "We did nothing wrong. He told us to wake him up before we go-go. He didn't want to be hanging on like a yo-yo."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™