Apple's Siri Voice Revealed... Men Lose Their Phoner Boners

Susan Bennett, the Voice behind Siri

Cupertino, CA

Since Apple's roll-out of the iPhone 4s in 2011, the smartphone world has been set ablaze. Users have enjoyed it's ability to deliver thousands of apps, internet, music, and a variety of other features at their fingertips. The most distinctive signature of the iPhone is it's virtual assistant, Siri. She can give you directions, set your alarm, search the internet, and even tell you a joke.

Fast forward 2 years; the Apple iPhone 5s is faster, sleeker, and sexier... or is it?

Yesterday, the voice behind Siri was revealed; much to the chagrin of it's heterosexual male audience. Siri is Susan Bennett, a voice-over professional since the '70s. She has become the most recognizable voice known to man. Now many men are wishing they would lose their hearing.

In an independent study conducted by Silly's Soft News™, 82.3% of men found Siri's voice to be arousing. 74% have admitted to flirting with or sexually harassing Siri; either out of boredom, loneliness or their inability to get laid. Salacious remarks such as "Siri, I want to f--- you up the -ss" or "Show me your t-ts" were among the most common rhetoric flung at the smartphone vixen. A small majority of the male users polled admitted to go as far as to rub their genitals across her smooth, glossy screen.

"I thought I was talking to a hot, young chick," said a disillusioned Randy Penerson, a 23 year-old medical student. "All those hours I wasted sweet-talking my phone, only to find out it was some old broad. I'm not into cougars. This is very disappointing to say the least. It's like talking to my grandma!"

Apple's Senior Vice President of Marketing, Philip W. Schiller cited the reason for finally revealing the voice of Siri. "Sexual harassment is something that Apple takes very seriously, not only for the user, but at the workplace as well. It has recently come to my attention that a portion of the male employees at Apple have been secretly dating their phones since 2011. Apple has a strict policy that forbids inter-office relationships. Our hope is that showing users who Siri really is, will discourage any further inappropriate conduct."



-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Sinkhole Gets Hungry; Tries to Swallow Restaurant

Cleveland, GA

The Southeast Region is no stranger to Sinkholes. They have gobbled up cars, traffic signs, homes; whatever they need to survive. Usually, they are no major threat to humans and civilization, until now.

Yesterday, while waiting patiently to place his order at a Sonic Restaurant, Steven the Sinkhole was disregarded by Sonic employee, Debbie Burnett. "We don't serve your kind," Burnett said snidely, walking away. And that's when Steven's rage and hunger took over.

"I know I may have overreacted a bit, but you don't know what it's like to live right under a Sonic. I've been trying to stick to my diet of dirt and rainwater, but I see all these people enjoying their Foot Long Coneys, Sonic Burgers, and those Sonic Blasts Ice Cream Treats. I just couldn't help myself. I was really hungry, dammit!"

That's when the sinkhole went berserk and tried to eat the entire Sonic franchise. The owner, Al Miller commented by saying, "Maybe we shouldn't rush to judgment about this sinkhole. He does have a point. We do rent the land, but who pays him? I just want everyone to know that we here at Sonic, do not condone the actions of Ms. Burnett."

Burnett was placed on administrative leave from the restaurant, pending an investigation. "This is ridiculous! I don't why my boss has to take the sinkhole's side. He [the sinkhole] is always looking up my skirt whenever I'm working. And he never carries any money with him. He just uses whatever change he finds on the ground," said Burnett.

Meanwhile, the sinkhole has been taken into custody by the White County Police Department. He has been charged with 1 count of reckless endangerment and 1 count of trying to eat a restaurant. His trial is set for September 6th.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™  

Bed Bug: "We're Not That Snug"

New York City

New York City's Bed Bug problem escalated this weekend when thousands of bed bugs were found loitering inside the Empire State Building.

Due to the excessive amount of bed bugs, both the SWAT Team and the National Guard were brought in to neutralize the situation.

For a few brief hours, the streets of Manhattan were in complete chaos; reminiscent of September 11th. People were running through the streets. "Somebody call Orkin!" screamed a citizen, fleeing in sheer terror.

After 3 hours and 39 minutes, and 5 blasts of tear gas, the siege ended. The bed bugs were rousted out of the historic landmark and into the paddy wagons that awaited below.

New York State Pest Control Specialist, Martin Willoughby was one of the first to arrive at the scene. "Bed bugs have been a huge problem in New York City for decades," said Willoughby. "I actually got into pest control because of my fascination with them. They are like no other creature. They can live without feeding for an entire year. But what astounds me is their ability to stay in hotel rooms, long after their check-out day.

It was later learned that this particular group of bed bugs migrated from a mattress in Louisiana. They were visiting New York City on a religious retreat with their church.

"New York can be very pricey," said one of the Bed Bugs. "We had no choice. What do they [Hotel Managers] expect us to do? We've been kicked out of the Four Seasons and The Plaza. We snapped after we were forced to leave the Waldorf-Astoria for no good reason. They even refused to validate our parking."

That's when the bed bugs decided to take up residence in the Empire State Building. It appears that most hotels in New York City don't allow bed bugs.

Rev. Al Sharpton said, "I think there is a prejudicial question here that is not being answered. These bed bugs just came here for a nice sight-seeing tour for a few days and this is how they get treated! They shouldn't call this place the Big Apple. They should call it the Big Crapple!"

Another Bed Bug commented, "We didn't do anything wrong. We are good guests. We pay our bills, we don't raid the mini bar, and we're quiet and conscientious. So, we feed on humans. Big deal! Let me tell you, it's not such a treat. God created the bed bug, but he didn't create Bug Chow, neither did Purina. So unless any of you bastards have a better idea, mind your own goddamn business!"

As the last of the bed bugs were taken into custody, the crowd cheered as one of the bed bugs broke free from his handcuffs and sang "New York State of Mind" A Capella.

"Maybe those Bed Bugs aren't so bad," said Sgt. Rodney Gitz, a New York City Police Officer.

Once news of the Bed Bug fiasco spread, Rev. Al Sharpton arrived at the police station to bail out the bed bugs. They were sent to a Double Tree in Newark.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Dr. Laura and Mel Gibson Teaming Up to Host New Show

Hollywood, California

For the past couple of days, the radio waves have been burning up over the latest racist rant to come from a celebrity.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, radio personality for over 30 years, used the N word during a phone call with a listener. Amid her hate speech, she has resigned from her popular radio show.

Over the past couple of months, we've heard Mel Gibson's hateful words flying out of his mouth; his tongue lashing like a hungry bull frog out for a snack.

Show business experts speculate that no matter what the outcome, neither her nor Gibson, will be able to find lucrative work anytime soon.

"The economy is tough enough for everybody, but she just plunked down $500,000 a week ago on a Taco Bell franchise in Tijuana. I told her not to," said James Freenbeen, Dr. Laura's business manager of 6 years. "With everything that is going on in Mexico, it is the worst time to be investing down there. With no immediate cash-flow coming in, she's going to have to do something...clean houses, secretarial work. You just can't say n*gger. It's kind of a deal breaker with show business people."

Mel Gibson is in a similar situation. Gibson is in the midst of a custody battle with his former girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. Not to mention, his settlement with his ex-wife, Robyn.

Times are tough for racists, but in a country that loves controversy, and awards it with opportunity, Dr. Laura and Gibson, have found a way back. Whether it be housewives in New Jersey or a family with 20 kids, today's viewers revel in reality.

Bravo has announced its intentions to begin shooting a new reality show in October that will incorporate Gibson's directorial ability and Dr. Laura's love of blacks in a new talent show, America's Got Schvatzas!"

Jacob Greenpenis, the show's executive producer said, "This is great! We are so excited about the show. You can sense the conflict in the air. Do you like the name, "Schvatza?" I learned that from my 91-year-old Yiddish grandmother. I think it means dark person. She's a little meschugge.

Greenpenis hinted at having an episode in which Gibson and Dr. Laura will be provided with lots of alcohol."We just really want to get them sh*tfaced and watch them throw racist rants at the camera for an hour," said Greenpenis.

So if you are not doing anything on Wednesday nights at 10 p.m., starting in June, be sure to check out "America's Got Schvatzas" on Bravo.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

NASA Study: Saggy Pants Problem Tied to Earth's Gravity

Washington, DC

It seems like just 345 years ago, Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree, sipping a Caramel Macchiato, and doing a Sudoku puzzle when an apple fell on his head compelling him to realize his Laws of Universal Gravitation.

In what seems to be such a simple principle, has managed to escape and baffle physicists for the past 2 decades. "Sagging," refers to a style in which a person wears their pants below their waist exposing much of their underwear.

It was originally believed to have derived from inmates in prison, who were not allowed to wear belts, in fear that they would hang themselves. It was then adopted by the hip-hop culture, then spread throughout urban, suburban, and rural areas, to all races.

In recent years, municipalities have been clamping down on Sagging, stating that the youth of this country have become so lazy and defiant, that they refuse to keep their pants up.

In June of 2007, the Town Council in Delcambre, Louisiana passed an indecent exposure ordinance against people who wore their pants saggy.

As time goes on,  pants have been sagging lower and lower, inching their way to the point where teenagers in Brooklyn, NY have been literally walking down the street with their pants around their ankles.

We spoke with State Senator Adams who had this to say, "Residents are furious, and they demand justice! We can't sit back another minute and lets these pants get any lower! Before you know it, it will be winter. We can't have our kids walking around in the snow without pants. We want answers, damnit!"

One Brooklyn teenager, a member of the notorious gang, the 6th Street Shannigans, Juan Carlos Greenberg, had this to say, "We ain't doin' nothin', man! What is this guy's trip? I am not my pants keeper. That's just how we roll, Dog."

One person has heard the cries, and  is now playing an active role in solving the epidemic. His name is Charles Wheatley, an Astrophysicist for NASA. Wheatley, who has been working on the problem for the past 3 years, believes he has found a scientific explanation.

At a press conference at NASA's headquarters this morning, Wheatley stated, "After hundreds of tests, I have found the cause for sagging pants. There appears to be a definite link between sagging pants and gravity. The problem is more universal than we thought. If we were on the moon, the pants wouldn't sag, but the minute that we enter the Earth's atmosphere, the pants head straight to the ground in a fashion that is consistent with Newton's Gravitational Law that gravity equals 9.81 m/s^2. It really isn't the youngster's faults. The only way to combat the force of gravity is an equal, opposite force. The only way to achieve that is either by people holding their pants up, or to take more desperate measures, a belt."

At this time, lawmakers will have to cool their heels until a reasonable solution can be dealt out. In the meantime, some religious and political leaders, not satisfied, are calling for the Government to take more proactive measures by building an anti-gravity machine.

President Obama acknowledged the request today stating, "I understand America's frustration with saggy pants, but if we solve that by doing away with gravity, we'll have to nail everything else down. And that would be a huge pain in the ass."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Priest Wins Fishing Tournament; Catches Holy Mackerel

Traverse City, Michigan

Traverse City has become a hot destination spot during the summer. It's fame reaches wider than the National Cherry Festival and its plentiful wineries.

It is also referred to as Michigan's Golf Coast, but the biggest attraction this Summer was on Lake Michigan Wednesday morning, as Father Earl Knickers caught a whopping 40 pound mackerel, breaking the old record set 3 years earlier by "Shitlips" McGee for a 38 pounder.

After a 2 hour battle with the fish, Father Knickers, on what seemed to be a fruitless attempt, looked up to the heavens, gave a wink, and with all his might, hoisted the fish from the deep blue waters onto his boat. "It was a dream come true," said the priest. "I have given so much in my life and have asked for so little. But this is something I needed for me," remarked Father Knickers.

Moments before the fight between the priest and the fish ended, other participants had seen the priest in a verbal altercation with the fish. One fisherman, Mark Elios described the scene, "He was doing battle with the fish, when all of a sudden he went on a tirade yelling 'Get the fuck in this boat! I've given up meat on Lent and having sex with women! I'm not giving this up! Come here, you gilled bastard!'"

After the news of the priest's ruckus on the water hit the dock, he was cheered by a few and booed by others. "There are children here!" yelled one of the mothers at the contest.

A short time later, the mackerel, hanging upside down on the dock, voiced his disapproval saying "It's bad enough that he tricked me with bait, which tasted terrible by the way, then yanked on me for God knows how long, but then he berated me in front of everybody. I am more upset about that, than being gutted open in a few minutes." The mackerel then called over the judges of the contest to file a grievance.

"I empathize with the fish, but I checked the rule book and there is nothing about disqualification for foul language," said Tim Reilly, a local judge at the competition for the past 8 years. After snapping a few pictures for the local newspaper and signing a few autographs, Father Knickers grabbed a bottle of champagne, fashioned it as a fish mallet and knocked the mackerel into next Tuesday. We'll have more on the mackerel's condition Wednesday.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Jean Paul Gaultier: "Codpieces are Coming Back"

Paris, France

As we have seen through the reintroduction of Bell Bottoms, Tweed, and Danskins- fashions are cyclical and anything is possible.

One fashion that has been long forgotten by the mainstream is making it's way back from the history books.

Jean Paul Gaultier, the famous designer who introduced man-skirts in the 80's and produced costumes for Madonna in the 90's, including her cone-shaped bra for the Blond Ambition Tour, is now setting his sights on a fashion for men, codpieces.

A codpiece is a pouch that attaches to the front of men's trousers to accentuate the genitals. It was widely used by European men during the 15th and 16th centuries.

Even in a time before basketball players and porn stars, European men driven by insecurity, wore codpieces to provide the effect of having larger genitals. But Gaultier is looking to change that in a big way. "Codpieces are so fun! The last time I saw a codpiece worn was by Freddy Mercury. Everybody should wear one. Let's flaunt the genitals like it's 1552!" shouted Gaultier. "I'm surprised that this trend never caught on with the Asian men," giggled Gaultier.

His announcement came right after Paris' Annual Fashion Week. "I am ready to take the fashion world by storm once again. I will not rest until codpieces are on everyone's mind. "We are going to get medieval this decade...a little bit naughty," said Gaultier.

He plans to begin production on the codpiece pants next month at his factory in Paris and have them in stores everywhere in the U.S. by Fall 2011. A call has been placed to Justin Bieber's agent for Bieber to become the cover boy for Gaultier's latest creation.


-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™