Apple's Siri Voice Revealed... Men Lose Their Phoner Boners

Susan Bennett, the Voice behind Siri

Cupertino, CA

Since Apple's roll-out of the iPhone 4s in 2011, the smartphone world has been set ablaze. Users have enjoyed it's ability to deliver thousands of apps, internet, music, and a variety of other features at their fingertips. The most distinctive signature of the iPhone is it's virtual assistant, Siri. She can give you directions, set your alarm, search the internet, and even tell you a joke.

Fast forward 2 years; the Apple iPhone 5s is faster, sleeker, and sexier... or is it?

Yesterday, the voice behind Siri was revealed; much to the chagrin of it's heterosexual male audience. Siri is Susan Bennett, a voice-over professional since the '70s. She has become the most recognizable voice known to man. Now many men are wishing they would lose their hearing.

In an independent study conducted by Silly's Soft News™, 82.3% of men found Siri's voice to be arousing. 74% have admitted to flirting with or sexually harassing Siri; either out of boredom, loneliness or their inability to get laid. Salacious remarks such as "Siri, I want to f--- you up the -ss" or "Show me your t-ts" were among the most common rhetoric flung at the smartphone vixen. A small majority of the male users polled admitted to go as far as to rub their genitals across her smooth, glossy screen.

"I thought I was talking to a hot, young chick," said a disillusioned Randy Penerson, a 23 year-old medical student. "All those hours I wasted sweet-talking my phone, only to find out it was some old broad. I'm not into cougars. This is very disappointing to say the least. It's like talking to my grandma!"

Apple's Senior Vice President of Marketing, Philip W. Schiller cited the reason for finally revealing the voice of Siri. "Sexual harassment is something that Apple takes very seriously, not only for the user, but at the workplace as well. It has recently come to my attention that a portion of the male employees at Apple have been secretly dating their phones since 2011. Apple has a strict policy that forbids inter-office relationships. Our hope is that showing users who Siri really is, will discourage any further inappropriate conduct."



-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Boy Scouts Told To Put Down The Smores

Dickville, WI

The days of sitting around the campfire, roasting marshmallows with chocolate and graham crackers is a past time for Boy Scouts. A new requirement by the National Boy Scouts of America will take effect in January that will bar boy scouts and scout volunteers from participating in their programs if they have a body mass index or "BMI" over 40%, which defines humans as Morbidly Obese.

Silly Soft News spoke with Dr. F. Murray Abraham about the growing obesity problem. "There are many risk factors with teens and adults taking part in strenuous activites that carry such weight. These fuckers need to put down the cheeseburgers and smores and eat a carrot every now and then. Perhaps some bark and berries like the good ol' days," states Abraham. He suggests a reduced calorie diet, and a steady work-out plan that includes light to moderate walking. "These fat bastards should walk from here to Timbuktu."

The concerns for a more healthier diet comes from National Cub Scout Master, Roger Jennings "I have noticed a sharp increase in the incidence of fatter Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts over the past five to ten years. I would just like to see these boys take better care of themselves. I remember the days when Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts were thinner, toned, and attractive. I dream of nights by the campfire with these fine young men once again."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Paula Deen Situation Actually Getting Less Sticky

Since the news of Paula Deen's racial tirade, in which the famous chef admitted to using the "N" word, sponsor after sponsor have begun to drop her like an an egg splattering on the floor; plummeted her career sunny side down.

Deen, who began her cooking career in 1989, has built her brand, and caught the eye of such corporate giants as Kmart, QVC, and Sears to name a few. She has built her empire to a net worth estimated at 15 million dollars.

The final straw came when Aunt Jemima decided to sever ties with Paula Deen on Monday. Aunt Jemima was planning a huge marketing move by replacing the image of a black woman on the bottle, that has been there since 1937, with Paula Deen, a woman who has, for the past two decades, embodied the Southern Culture.

But the sweet partnership between the celebrity chef and the maple syrup magnate dried up after news broke of the hate-spewing speech that left Paula's lips like crumbs splitting off a fine Shoofly Pie.

"We can no longer be associated with Ms. Deen," said Luana Squelkins - Corporate Communications Director for the syrup conglomerate.

Recently appearing on the Today Show, Paula Deen had explained to Matt Lauer her reason for using such a mean-spirited word towards another human being.  "It was about 30 years ago. I was divorced and raising two boys on my own. I had about $200 to my name (this was before I had started my business). I was leaving my church. By the grace of God, I had won $53 at Bingo, when all of a sudden, I was being held at gunpoint by a black gentleman. I have to admit that I was angry. After all, I had been through so many hardships. Finally, there was a little light at the end of the tunnel...for once. So when a barrel was pointed at me, demanding my money, I snapped and call that man a 'Ninny!' For this, I have to lose everything?!"


-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™