Apple's Siri Voice Revealed... Men Lose Their Phoner Boners

Susan Bennett, the Voice behind Siri

Cupertino, CA

Since Apple's roll-out of the iPhone 4s in 2011, the smartphone world has been set ablaze. Users have enjoyed it's ability to deliver thousands of apps, internet, music, and a variety of other features at their fingertips. The most distinctive signature of the iPhone is it's virtual assistant, Siri. She can give you directions, set your alarm, search the internet, and even tell you a joke.

Fast forward 2 years; the Apple iPhone 5s is faster, sleeker, and sexier... or is it?

Yesterday, the voice behind Siri was revealed; much to the chagrin of it's heterosexual male audience. Siri is Susan Bennett, a voice-over professional since the '70s. She has become the most recognizable voice known to man. Now many men are wishing they would lose their hearing.

In an independent study conducted by Silly's Soft News™, 82.3% of men found Siri's voice to be arousing. 74% have admitted to flirting with or sexually harassing Siri; either out of boredom, loneliness or their inability to get laid. Salacious remarks such as "Siri, I want to f--- you up the -ss" or "Show me your t-ts" were among the most common rhetoric flung at the smartphone vixen. A small majority of the male users polled admitted to go as far as to rub their genitals across her smooth, glossy screen.

"I thought I was talking to a hot, young chick," said a disillusioned Randy Penerson, a 23 year-old medical student. "All those hours I wasted sweet-talking my phone, only to find out it was some old broad. I'm not into cougars. This is very disappointing to say the least. It's like talking to my grandma!"

Apple's Senior Vice President of Marketing, Philip W. Schiller cited the reason for finally revealing the voice of Siri. "Sexual harassment is something that Apple takes very seriously, not only for the user, but at the workplace as well. It has recently come to my attention that a portion of the male employees at Apple have been secretly dating their phones since 2011. Apple has a strict policy that forbids inter-office relationships. Our hope is that showing users who Siri really is, will discourage any further inappropriate conduct."



-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Local Mime Behind Real Bars

Bagenville, Georgia

For years, Bagenville's premiere mime, George "Get me out of this Box" Druthers has been badgering audiences with his act.

You could always expect him to follow you through the Town Hall district doing the rope, the lean, eating imaginary hamburgers, and of course, his finale, trapped in a box.

Whether you wanted him there or not, he has been as much a fixture to Bagenville as the Brass Tulips that adorn the courthouse lawn.

But a terrible shouting match between Druthers and his longtime lover, Marcel Moskowitz has landed the famous mime in jail.
When Druthers arrived at his apartment late Saturday evening, smelling of musk oil, he was confronted by Moskowitz. Moskowitz, who has always been a staunch supporter of Druthers, was infuriated by a recent addition to the act.

For the past couple of weeks, Druthers has been pretending to make-out with another person on a park bench. "He's very good. It really looks like he is kissing someone. You can sense the passion," claims one audience member. Moskowitz sensed it as well as he left the show early that evening. "I know that it is only an act, but he doesn't even pretend kiss me like that anymore!" exclaimed Moskowitz.

When police arrived at the scene at 12:30 a.m., Moskowitz was yelling and slamming doors throughout the apartment. Druthers threw several invisible pies, one of which hit an officer in the face. The melee was broken up within minutes as Druthers was placed inside a squad car.

Officer Todd Riggins said, "This is a domestic situation that needed to be diffused. No big deal. But why does the guy keep pretending to bang on the glass? The window's open." Druther's had to spend the night in jail after only miming a phone call to his attorney.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™

Teen Charged With First Degree Murder For Burning Insects

Woodbridge, Illinois

Summer days are supposed to be play time for kids, off from school, and carousing about. Some attend day camp, others in the neighborhood pool, or on the street playing Double Dutch. But for one area teen, there will be no Duck Duck Goose in his near future.

Ryan Folly, 14 was arraigned this morning in the Union County Courthouse. He was charged with 3 counts of first degree murder for the deaths of 2 ants and 1 Japanese beetle.

"He knew what he was doing. He came out to that sidewalk with a magnifying glass in the searing summer heat for one thing and one thing only...to kill," said District Attorney, Michael Rose on the steps of the courthouse. "Due to the maliciousness of the crime, Folly will be charged as an adult. I know they were only insects. But they were insects with families!"

The judged agreed with Rose's argument that a child of 8 or 9 years of age may not be able to make the distinction between right and wrong. But a 14 year old, who should have grown out of this phase, is willfully causing harm or death to others.

Folly's mom, Etta said," It is heart-breaking. It's a mother's worst nightmare to see her child in shackles and handcuffs before a judge. But maybe some good will come of this."

Not considered a flight risk, Folly was released on a $25,000 bond. His trial has been set for October 4th. In the meantime, Ryan's father has set strict rules for him to follow. He is to get up at 7 a.m. every morning. After breakfast, he is to pull weeds and do gardening chores until 3. Then in an effort to rehabilitate him, he is to build an art farm until dinner. And no X-Box. If Folly is found guilty, he could serve up to 99 years in a state penitentiary. But with good behavior, he could be out in 3 weeks.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™

Man Cries Himself to Sleep Every Night; Pillow Is Depressed

Huntley, Delaware

Don Lasker, a sheet metal worker by day, a crier by night. Lasker, 37 has been sad ever since his girlfriend, Farina Watkins decided to leave him.

"She was always yelling at me to stop playing X-Box all night and come to bed. I should have listened to her," solemnly said Lasker as he looked out the window of his trailer.

Since Watkins departure, his problem has spread throughout his home like lice. Lasker has been crying into his pillow, night after night.

"I didn't sign up for this," said Don's pillow. "He bought me at Wal-Mart last year for $4.99. It's bad enough that I have to live in this hovel. It constantly smells like cheddar cheese. There is all kinds things strewn about the place. But the worst thing is that he never spends any time with me. When we do get time together, all he does is come crying to me. Well, I am fucking sick of it!" shouted the pillow.

His mother has advised her son to go seek counseling. Ms. Watkins could not be reached for comment. Lasker was later seen on his couch hugging another pillow.

 -Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™