It was a beautiful sunny day in Beijing, when 28-year-old resident, Zhing Zhang Clemmons left the Hyundai dealership in his brand new Hyundai Sonata.
He fastened his safety belt, took a deep breath, and gripped the wheel with both hands. Ready for a triumphant ride through the streets of China, he pulled out of the parking lot.
The car so quiet; all that could be heard was Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA pumping through the car stereo, but then the party abruptly stopped.
After only 5 seconds on the highway, Clemmons' car was forced to stop due to a massive traffic jam. "Move it, you stupid sonuvabitch!" clammered Clemmons. His screams of rage remained futile. The traffic jam has been going on since August 14th encompassing 60 miles of the Beijing-Zhangjiakou Highway.
Some drivers have been bumper-to-bumper for 9 days. However, after only 3 hours, Clemmons was spotted crying in his car by some school children. "Why did I have to buy a stick shift?" whimpered Clemmons. "Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to have to constantly push the clutch pedal? My foot hurts!"
One driver, unsympathetic to Clemmons' plight, taunted the 28-year-old with fresh bran muffins. "Let's see the little bastard squirm after those root around in his system for a day," laughed the 73-year-old.
Zhang Minghai, director of Zhangjiakou city's Traffic Management speculates that the traffic jam is expected to ease up within the next 3 days. Meanwhile, Clemmons has vowed to turn his car around, go back to the dealership 18 feet behind him, and trade his Sonata for one with an automatic transmission.
Salesperson Huang Chen said, "It's too bad that he's not happy. We have policy here. If you not happy, bring car back within 24 hours, and we make you happy. But I no think he's gonna make it. Confucius say 'He's fucked.'"
-Silly's Soft News
Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™
