Jim Caviezel's Career Died for Our Sins

Nazareth, CA

The once omnipotent star who commanded the big screen in films like The Thin Red Line, Pay It Forward, and The Count of Monte Cristo has been since banished back to television.

Mel Gibson's 2004 blockbuster hit The Passion of the Christ, that took in more than $611 million dollars, was supposed to be the rebirth of a once-promising career of Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus Christ in this 2 hour and 6 minute epic Hollywood-style snuff film.

"He told me this film would make me rich, and famous, and that I would be able to get cutsies in every line," said a disillusioned Caviezel who now calls an apple box his home on the set of some shitty TV show. He looked as worn-down and tattered as he did during the shooting of the film that crucified his career. 

"Hollywood has taught me 2 things; Number one... not only can the Jews kill your career in this town, so can Mel. I don't know why they (Hollywood) are mad at me anyway. Mel called the shots. Plus, I'm not even Jewish. Besides that, take a look at that film. The Romans did it, exclaimed Caviezel."

"Nobody had the passion for it like Mel did. Late at night, after a day of intense shooting, Mel could be seen walking around the fake town of Nazareth in the thorny crown that he swiped from Jim's trailer. During the day, Mel would join in with the others, actually grabbing one of the whips. He really beat the shit out Mr. Caviezel," said Brian Hopkins, a production assistant on the set, who was witness to the gang style onslaught brought upon Caviezel's character. In one scene that was edited out, Mel was caught wearing a shirt that read Don't Mess With The Siah!

There was one incident during a dreidel contest where Mr. Caviezel tried to assert his mystical powers over Mel's wife, Robyn. He started to get her drunk on water that he turned into wine and then proceeded to convince her that he would like show her how he can part the Red Sea. Jim was simply speaking of performing a miracle. Robyn thought that he knew that she was menstruating and was trying to get into her pants. The misunderstanding spread quickly throughout the set as well as the rest of Tinseltown. Mel was enraged and vowed to put a nail in the career of Caviezel much like he was nailed to the cross. 

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Apple's Siri Voice Revealed... Men Lose Their Phoner Boners

Susan Bennett, the Voice behind Siri

Cupertino, CA

Since Apple's roll-out of the iPhone 4s in 2011, the smartphone world has been set ablaze. Users have enjoyed it's ability to deliver thousands of apps, internet, music, and a variety of other features at their fingertips. The most distinctive signature of the iPhone is it's virtual assistant, Siri. She can give you directions, set your alarm, search the internet, and even tell you a joke.

Fast forward 2 years; the Apple iPhone 5s is faster, sleeker, and sexier... or is it?

Yesterday, the voice behind Siri was revealed; much to the chagrin of it's heterosexual male audience. Siri is Susan Bennett, a voice-over professional since the '70s. She has become the most recognizable voice known to man. Now many men are wishing they would lose their hearing.

In an independent study conducted by Silly's Soft News™, 82.3% of men found Siri's voice to be arousing. 74% have admitted to flirting with or sexually harassing Siri; either out of boredom, loneliness or their inability to get laid. Salacious remarks such as "Siri, I want to f--- you up the -ss" or "Show me your t-ts" were among the most common rhetoric flung at the smartphone vixen. A small majority of the male users polled admitted to go as far as to rub their genitals across her smooth, glossy screen.

"I thought I was talking to a hot, young chick," said a disillusioned Randy Penerson, a 23 year-old medical student. "All those hours I wasted sweet-talking my phone, only to find out it was some old broad. I'm not into cougars. This is very disappointing to say the least. It's like talking to my grandma!"

Apple's Senior Vice President of Marketing, Philip W. Schiller cited the reason for finally revealing the voice of Siri. "Sexual harassment is something that Apple takes very seriously, not only for the user, but at the workplace as well. It has recently come to my attention that a portion of the male employees at Apple have been secretly dating their phones since 2011. Apple has a strict policy that forbids inter-office relationships. Our hope is that showing users who Siri really is, will discourage any further inappropriate conduct."



-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Boy Scouts Told To Put Down The Smores

Dickville, WI

The days of sitting around the campfire, roasting marshmallows with chocolate and graham crackers is a past time for Boy Scouts. A new requirement by the National Boy Scouts of America will take effect in January that will bar boy scouts and scout volunteers from participating in their programs if they have a body mass index or "BMI" over 40%, which defines humans as Morbidly Obese.

Silly Soft News spoke with Dr. F. Murray Abraham about the growing obesity problem. "There are many risk factors with teens and adults taking part in strenuous activites that carry such weight. These fuckers need to put down the cheeseburgers and smores and eat a carrot every now and then. Perhaps some bark and berries like the good ol' days," states Abraham. He suggests a reduced calorie diet, and a steady work-out plan that includes light to moderate walking. "These fat bastards should walk from here to Timbuktu."

The concerns for a more healthier diet comes from National Cub Scout Master, Roger Jennings "I have noticed a sharp increase in the incidence of fatter Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts over the past five to ten years. I would just like to see these boys take better care of themselves. I remember the days when Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts were thinner, toned, and attractive. I dream of nights by the campfire with these fine young men once again."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Paula Deen Situation Actually Getting Less Sticky

Since the news of Paula Deen's racial tirade, in which the famous chef admitted to using the "N" word, sponsor after sponsor have begun to drop her like an an egg splattering on the floor; plummeted her career sunny side down.

Deen, who began her cooking career in 1989, has built her brand, and caught the eye of such corporate giants as Kmart, QVC, and Sears to name a few. She has built her empire to a net worth estimated at 15 million dollars.

The final straw came when Aunt Jemima decided to sever ties with Paula Deen on Monday. Aunt Jemima was planning a huge marketing move by replacing the image of a black woman on the bottle, that has been there since 1937, with Paula Deen, a woman who has, for the past two decades, embodied the Southern Culture.

But the sweet partnership between the celebrity chef and the maple syrup magnate dried up after news broke of the hate-spewing speech that left Paula's lips like crumbs splitting off a fine Shoofly Pie.

"We can no longer be associated with Ms. Deen," said Luana Squelkins - Corporate Communications Director for the syrup conglomerate.

Recently appearing on the Today Show, Paula Deen had explained to Matt Lauer her reason for using such a mean-spirited word towards another human being.  "It was about 30 years ago. I was divorced and raising two boys on my own. I had about $200 to my name (this was before I had started my business). I was leaving my church. By the grace of God, I had won $53 at Bingo, when all of a sudden, I was being held at gunpoint by a black gentleman. I have to admit that I was angry. After all, I had been through so many hardships. Finally, there was a little light at the end of the tunnel...for once. So when a barrel was pointed at me, demanding my money, I snapped and call that man a 'Ninny!' For this, I have to lose everything?!"


-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Driver in China Regrets Manual Transmission Purchase

Beijing, China

It was a beautiful sunny day in Beijing, when 28-year-old resident, Zhing Zhang Clemmons left the Hyundai dealership in his brand new Hyundai Sonata.

He fastened his safety belt, took a deep breath, and gripped the wheel with both hands. Ready for a triumphant ride through the streets of China, he pulled out of the parking lot.

The car so quiet; all that could be heard was Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA pumping through the car stereo, but then the party abruptly stopped.

After only 5 seconds on the highway, Clemmons' car was forced to stop due to a massive traffic jam. "Move it, you stupid sonuvabitch!" clammered Clemmons. His screams of rage remained futile. The traffic jam has been going on since August 14th encompassing 60 miles of the Beijing-Zhangjiakou Highway.

Some drivers have been bumper-to-bumper for 9 days. However, after only 3 hours, Clemmons was spotted crying in his car by some school children. "Why did I have to buy a stick shift?" whimpered Clemmons. "Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to have to constantly push the clutch pedal? My foot hurts!"

One driver, unsympathetic to Clemmons' plight, taunted the 28-year-old with fresh bran muffins. "Let's see the little bastard squirm after those root around in his system for a day," laughed the 73-year-old.

Zhang Minghai, director of Zhangjiakou city's Traffic Management speculates that the traffic jam is expected to ease up within the next 3 days. Meanwhile, Clemmons has vowed to turn his car around, go back to the dealership 18 feet behind him, and trade his Sonata for one with an automatic transmission.

Salesperson Huang Chen said, "It's too bad that he's not happy. We have policy here. If you not happy, bring car back within 24 hours, and we make you happy. But I no think he's gonna make it. Confucius say 'He's fucked.'"

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™ 

Sinkhole Gets Hungry; Tries to Swallow Restaurant

Cleveland, GA

The Southeast Region is no stranger to Sinkholes. They have gobbled up cars, traffic signs, homes; whatever they need to survive. Usually, they are no major threat to humans and civilization, until now.

Yesterday, while waiting patiently to place his order at a Sonic Restaurant, Steven the Sinkhole was disregarded by Sonic employee, Debbie Burnett. "We don't serve your kind," Burnett said snidely, walking away. And that's when Steven's rage and hunger took over.

"I know I may have overreacted a bit, but you don't know what it's like to live right under a Sonic. I've been trying to stick to my diet of dirt and rainwater, but I see all these people enjoying their Foot Long Coneys, Sonic Burgers, and those Sonic Blasts Ice Cream Treats. I just couldn't help myself. I was really hungry, dammit!"

That's when the sinkhole went berserk and tried to eat the entire Sonic franchise. The owner, Al Miller commented by saying, "Maybe we shouldn't rush to judgment about this sinkhole. He does have a point. We do rent the land, but who pays him? I just want everyone to know that we here at Sonic, do not condone the actions of Ms. Burnett."

Burnett was placed on administrative leave from the restaurant, pending an investigation. "This is ridiculous! I don't why my boss has to take the sinkhole's side. He [the sinkhole] is always looking up my skirt whenever I'm working. And he never carries any money with him. He just uses whatever change he finds on the ground," said Burnett.

Meanwhile, the sinkhole has been taken into custody by the White County Police Department. He has been charged with 1 count of reckless endangerment and 1 count of trying to eat a restaurant. His trial is set for September 6th.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™  

Bed Bug: "We're Not That Snug"

New York City

New York City's Bed Bug problem escalated this weekend when thousands of bed bugs were found loitering inside the Empire State Building.

Due to the excessive amount of bed bugs, both the SWAT Team and the National Guard were brought in to neutralize the situation.

For a few brief hours, the streets of Manhattan were in complete chaos; reminiscent of September 11th. People were running through the streets. "Somebody call Orkin!" screamed a citizen, fleeing in sheer terror.

After 3 hours and 39 minutes, and 5 blasts of tear gas, the siege ended. The bed bugs were rousted out of the historic landmark and into the paddy wagons that awaited below.

New York State Pest Control Specialist, Martin Willoughby was one of the first to arrive at the scene. "Bed bugs have been a huge problem in New York City for decades," said Willoughby. "I actually got into pest control because of my fascination with them. They are like no other creature. They can live without feeding for an entire year. But what astounds me is their ability to stay in hotel rooms, long after their check-out day.

It was later learned that this particular group of bed bugs migrated from a mattress in Louisiana. They were visiting New York City on a religious retreat with their church.

"New York can be very pricey," said one of the Bed Bugs. "We had no choice. What do they [Hotel Managers] expect us to do? We've been kicked out of the Four Seasons and The Plaza. We snapped after we were forced to leave the Waldorf-Astoria for no good reason. They even refused to validate our parking."

That's when the bed bugs decided to take up residence in the Empire State Building. It appears that most hotels in New York City don't allow bed bugs.

Rev. Al Sharpton said, "I think there is a prejudicial question here that is not being answered. These bed bugs just came here for a nice sight-seeing tour for a few days and this is how they get treated! They shouldn't call this place the Big Apple. They should call it the Big Crapple!"

Another Bed Bug commented, "We didn't do anything wrong. We are good guests. We pay our bills, we don't raid the mini bar, and we're quiet and conscientious. So, we feed on humans. Big deal! Let me tell you, it's not such a treat. God created the bed bug, but he didn't create Bug Chow, neither did Purina. So unless any of you bastards have a better idea, mind your own goddamn business!"

As the last of the bed bugs were taken into custody, the crowd cheered as one of the bed bugs broke free from his handcuffs and sang "New York State of Mind" A Capella.

"Maybe those Bed Bugs aren't so bad," said Sgt. Rodney Gitz, a New York City Police Officer.

Once news of the Bed Bug fiasco spread, Rev. Al Sharpton arrived at the police station to bail out the bed bugs. They were sent to a Double Tree in Newark.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™