Jim Caviezel's Career Died for Our Sins

Nazareth, CA

The once omnipotent star who commanded the big screen in films like The Thin Red Line, Pay It Forward, and The Count of Monte Cristo has been since banished back to television.

Mel Gibson's 2004 blockbuster hit The Passion of the Christ, that took in more than $611 million dollars, was supposed to be the rebirth of a once-promising career of Jim Caviezel, who played Jesus Christ in this 2 hour and 6 minute epic Hollywood-style snuff film.

"He told me this film would make me rich, and famous, and that I would be able to get cutsies in every line," said a disillusioned Caviezel who now calls an apple box his home on the set of some shitty TV show. He looked as worn-down and tattered as he did during the shooting of the film that crucified his career. 

"Hollywood has taught me 2 things; Number one... not only can the Jews kill your career in this town, so can Mel. I don't know why they (Hollywood) are mad at me anyway. Mel called the shots. Plus, I'm not even Jewish. Besides that, take a look at that film. The Romans did it, exclaimed Caviezel."

"Nobody had the passion for it like Mel did. Late at night, after a day of intense shooting, Mel could be seen walking around the fake town of Nazareth in the thorny crown that he swiped from Jim's trailer. During the day, Mel would join in with the others, actually grabbing one of the whips. He really beat the shit out Mr. Caviezel," said Brian Hopkins, a production assistant on the set, who was witness to the gang style onslaught brought upon Caviezel's character. In one scene that was edited out, Mel was caught wearing a shirt that read Don't Mess With The Siah!

There was one incident during a dreidel contest where Mr. Caviezel tried to assert his mystical powers over Mel's wife, Robyn. He started to get her drunk on water that he turned into wine and then proceeded to convince her that he would like show her how he can part the Red Sea. Jim was simply speaking of performing a miracle. Robyn thought that he knew that she was menstruating and was trying to get into her pants. The misunderstanding spread quickly throughout the set as well as the rest of Tinseltown. Mel was enraged and vowed to put a nail in the career of Caviezel much like he was nailed to the cross. 

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™   

Dr. Laura and Mel Gibson Teaming Up to Host New Show

Hollywood, California

For the past couple of days, the radio waves have been burning up over the latest racist rant to come from a celebrity.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, radio personality for over 30 years, used the N word during a phone call with a listener. Amid her hate speech, she has resigned from her popular radio show.

Over the past couple of months, we've heard Mel Gibson's hateful words flying out of his mouth; his tongue lashing like a hungry bull frog out for a snack.

Show business experts speculate that no matter what the outcome, neither her nor Gibson, will be able to find lucrative work anytime soon.

"The economy is tough enough for everybody, but she just plunked down $500,000 a week ago on a Taco Bell franchise in Tijuana. I told her not to," said James Freenbeen, Dr. Laura's business manager of 6 years. "With everything that is going on in Mexico, it is the worst time to be investing down there. With no immediate cash-flow coming in, she's going to have to do something...clean houses, secretarial work. You just can't say n*gger. It's kind of a deal breaker with show business people."

Mel Gibson is in a similar situation. Gibson is in the midst of a custody battle with his former girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva. Not to mention, his settlement with his ex-wife, Robyn.

Times are tough for racists, but in a country that loves controversy, and awards it with opportunity, Dr. Laura and Gibson, have found a way back. Whether it be housewives in New Jersey or a family with 20 kids, today's viewers revel in reality.

Bravo has announced its intentions to begin shooting a new reality show in October that will incorporate Gibson's directorial ability and Dr. Laura's love of blacks in a new talent show, America's Got Schvatzas!"

Jacob Greenpenis, the show's executive producer said, "This is great! We are so excited about the show. You can sense the conflict in the air. Do you like the name, "Schvatza?" I learned that from my 91-year-old Yiddish grandmother. I think it means dark person. She's a little meschugge.

Greenpenis hinted at having an episode in which Gibson and Dr. Laura will be provided with lots of alcohol."We just really want to get them sh*tfaced and watch them throw racist rants at the camera for an hour," said Greenpenis.

So if you are not doing anything on Wednesday nights at 10 p.m., starting in June, be sure to check out "America's Got Schvatzas" on Bravo.

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™ 

Gibson: "I Feel Really Silly Right About Now"

Los Angeles, California

In what has been one of the most controversial phone calls heard around the world, Mel Gibson's anger-fueled tirade caught on tape was all a big mistake.

"Boy, do I have egg on my face," sheepishly said the Lethal Weapon star whose latest escapades have made his mouth the most lethal weapon of all once again.

It seems that the actor who did not know that his phone call was being recorded thought he was on the phone with an operator at AT&T. "I thought I was disputing some overages on my minute plan. I got frustrated and called the lady a c*nt, a b*tch, a wh*re, and hoped that she gets raped by a bunch of n*ggers on her way home. I do apologize for my language. But I really thought I was being screwed on my last bill and I wanted to fight it," claims Gibson.

He said he did not know that Oksana was the woman on the other end of the phone. "I would never talk to Oksana like that. She is the mother of my child," asserts Gibson. "But I do think I will switch cell phone companies."

-Silly's Soft News

Silly's Soft News, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly. ™